Monthly Archives: September 2009

Dear Diary, In His Steps

I feel like I'm Job

For those who are curious: I live in Cainta.

Obviously I’m blogging so you know I’m okay. Normally rains don’t bother me except the fact that it’s so hard to commute, because our village entrance usually gets flooded and I get stranded inside the village. Plus rains mean brownout and no internet, so you know.

Saturday gave me a whole new reason to be scared of rains. I woke up with a plan to do the following: go to the gym, go to NaNoWriMo volunteers’ meeting, then buy the bag I want and go home. However, I woke up late so I didn’t get to ride with my brother so I told myself I’d just commute. He then warned me to not go out anymore, so I just went online to book flights for our Palawan trip this December. I knew there was a typhoon but I didn’t think much of it, since it’s just rains and like I said, it doesn’t flood in our street. I cancelled the meetings and was fully prepared to be inside the house the entire day and enjoy the bed weather with my new books…but then a few hours later, I went out and my dad said, “Look, water’s rising up to the gutter.”

Again, let me reiterate: we never get flooded in our street.

By lunchtime, water was beyond our gutter, and by three in the afternoon, water was in our garage. Four, water was inside our house. By eight, we crossed waist-deep flood to get to our neighbor’s second floor with our valuables and prayed for the rain to stop.

Waking up the next morning was surreal. Our house…is…I can’t describe it. The things we put up so they won’t get wet tumbled down into the water anyway. My brother’s camera got wet because we didn’t see it. Our clothes are safe, thank goodness, but most of our furniture are wrecked. We’ve cleaned up stuff yesterday and today, but we’ve got a long way to go. Some of my books got wet, I lost a lot of files, my brother’s clothes all got soaked. It’s surreal.

I’ve helped out flood victims, but I never thought I would be a flood victim myself. I try to laugh it out and say it’s time to clean up anyway, but tell me: how does one go back to normal after something like this?

I know I’m luckier than the other ones because most of my belongings are saved and we have good neighbors and our house is still intact and everyone I know is safe (well, still waiting for the other people to text). But my heart is unsettled, and I want to be brave but I feel like I can’t. Sometimes I wish I had the power to magically make everything okay, but I can’t. How can I ever go back to functioning normally again after this?

I’m not mad at God, nor I am questioning His purpose. I’m trying very hard to trust Him right now, to trust that this is a part of His plan. I’m trying very hard not to be afraid, but I feel like I will always be afraid whenever there is rain. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to sleep soundly with the sound of rain. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to work and hear the rain without worrying about my mom at home. I don’t know if we’ll even be able to restore our home.

It’s just so, so, surreal.

And then I remember Job.

My situation isn’t anything like Job’s of course. He got it so much worse. But there was this verse that I remember from his book that I am trying to hold onto:

I was born with nothing, I will die with nothing. The Lord gave and now He has taken away. May His name be praised! (Job 1:21)

What strength and faith he has to be able to utter that. Imagine me, losing so little and saving so much and I find difficulty to praise and thank God for it. All I could think about is “What next?”

I want to find the strength to be optimistic, to be brave and to start again. I want to be brave for my family and my friends. I don’t know how, but I know I’m out. And I know He’s got more. And He’s bigger than all of this. And He’s the only one I can hold onto in this time.

Interestingly, when we got back after the flood has gone down, we found that the altar in our house wasn’t moved at all. Everything else tumbled down/was wet, but the water didn’t even touch the Bible enthroned on our altar. If that isn’t a sign of God’s strength, I don’t know what is.

I don’t know what will happen next, and I have a feeling I’ll swing from happy to sad and back and I don’t know when we’ll be able to recover from this…but I’m going to try to hold on. I’m going to try to praise God regardless of what happened…because He is God. And I am not. And He knows and understands more than what I can understand now.

It’s going to be a long week. Maybe even months for others. Thanks to everyone who texted and sent a message through all kinds of social networking stuff. :P Thanks to our neighbors who we stayed in for two nights and to everyone in the street who helped out. It’s far from over, so please keep on praying. Not only for us but for the other people who got devastated by Ondoy.

I will do my best to echo Job in this situation. God, please give us the strength to hold on. Please don’t let us go.

Every blessing You pour out
I’ll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

(Blessed be Your Name, Matt Redman)

We’re okay. We’ll be okay. Other people need more help than we do, so please send donations their way. You can visit Philippineaid.com to see how you can help.

Big, Fun and Scary Things

Plot Holes

Day 25So. Let’s try this again.

I’m going to have the first volunteer’s meeting for NaNoWriMo Philippines 2009 tomorrow afternoon, and I am quite excited about it. I have a couple of ideas in my head right now (which I should start writing down after I finish this entry) about what to do for the Wrimos for this year and I hope I we could pull everything off. It is the region’s fifth year after all.

But there’s another thing I should be preparing for November is my own novel. I still have absolutely no plot that I am really interested in investing my whole November in. Oh sure, I have a few ideas here and there, but I’m not sure if they’d hold for thirty days in November or I’d end up hating it the way I hated used to hate my 2007 novel.

Someone give me a plot?

Thanks, inkygirl.com
Thanks, inkygirl.com

So let’s throw some ideas in the air, shall we?

  • IDEA # 1: A sequel of my 2008 novel. I’m thinking the sequel would be something like, I Am Dating (And Everybody Knows) or I Am in a Relationship (And Everybody Knows), and it tells of Ruth and Ian’s relationship (oops, spoiler over there). It’s a tempting idea…but I haven’t even finished the novel yet so why am I planning to write a sequel? And it kind of reminds me of the Ashley Stockingdale series…and I bet there will be a third part for this if I push through with the sequel. Something like, I Am Engaged (And Everybody Knows). Haha…but why not?
  • IDEA # 2: I thought of reviving my 2006 novel, but writing from a different character’s perspective. The 2006 novel is in hiatus right now but there was this new character I was supposed to introduce and is supposed to have her own story. It’s supposed to be based on Jonah’s story in the Bible, and would be set a couple of years after my 2006 novel. It’s something to think about.
  • IDEA # 3: Young Adult again, and it’s an idea I’ve been trying to play with in Wordplay every now and then. It’s about this girl who used to be a leader in her youth group but disappeared because of some sort of scandal with her partner and her best friend. She goes away for a year, goes back to the country and attended college where another chapter of the youth group is very active. She tries to stay away from them, but she gets caught by her roommate wearing a youth group shirt and won’t stop bothering her about it. She comes back but she’s wary because of what happened a couple of years ago.I really like this idea, but I’m not so sure if it would hold. I mean, writing the group and the setting should be easy because I’m practically basing it from the things I used to do in college but I’m not so sure if I can pull of a brooding girl and pair her up with a guy who might need some slight acne treatments and who will bring her out of her shell. Huh, this storyline reminds me a bit of a Sarah Dessen story…and I am not surprised. Haha. Let’s see.
  • IDEA # 4: There’s still Ibong Adarna remix that I’ve been planning for ages but cannot think of a good storyline to follow for this. Besides, after some research, I realized that I didn’t like the ending of Ibong Adarna. Heh.

I’m stuck. I’m still browsing through the forums’ Adopt a Plot threads, and there are some interesting ideas, but I’m still not sure about it.

Maybe it’s just because I’m not in a conducive environment? Maybe work is just totally getting in the way. I need a fresh environment! I need to people watch! I need to read books outside of my genre! Maybe I need to try something from a new genre so spice things up? I need to…

…get things together. *facepalm*

Come on, inspiration! I need you!

25/30.

Big, Fun and Scary Things, Dear Diary

So close

Day 24So let’s try this mobile blogging thing again. WordPress for iTouch, plz to not eat my entry? Ktnx.

I’m on Day 24 of this blogging challenge…and honestly? I don’t think it’s doing anything for me. I don’t know if it’s because I just have too much work or the lack of a theme but I can’t think of things to write anymore. At least interesting things that is, that don’t sound like it’s all “me, me, me”. I almost wanted to skip today but I figured I should still try…so here I am.

I’ve got six more days to go at this and I’m kind of dreading it because I really have no idea what else to blog that is even remotely interesting/inspiring/whatever. Everything else I wrote sounds like I’m complaining or sounds like I’m the only one interested in it. Kind of like talking to a wall, or shouting in the air where no one cab hear anything, you know? Does anyone even read this thing besides me? And a few people I know?

I hope I get hit by inspiration tomorrow. Let’s see.

Six more days, Tina. Let’s see if the challenge would bring anything.

On another note, I just remembered an email I need to send. Now please don’t eat my entry.

24/30.

Big, Fun and Scary Things, Randomnities

iDoze

Day 23What a long, long, long, long, longggg day. And it’s almost over, and I’m still at work, and…what a long, long, long day this has been.

All I want to do now is this:

funny-pictures-cat-dozes

My brain is totally fried from all the work today, and…well, I’m just tired. Too tired to even think of a proper blog entry. See.

This kind of reminds me of when I had to do so much work for school that my brain is absolutely fried. The only difference is…I’m in school. And I get paid for this.  Heh.

*yawn*

Anyway, I’m going to…zzzz…..

23/30.

Big, Fun and Scary Things, Greetings

Big Brother

Day 22I cannot believe it.

I’ve been searching through all my photo archives and I just realized that I don’t have any recent pictures with my brother.

How did that happen?

Oh yeah, I hardly take pictures and if we take pictures, he’s always the one who takes the photos. Heh.

I meant to create a new greeting today in honor of my brother who turns 26 today. He’s out having dinner/drinking with his friends right now, and we’ll be having our time with him tomorrow (with my future sister-in-law). I don’t know if he’ll be able to read this, but still…

Because there’s no recent photo of us anywhere (huhuhuhu :( ), I’ll just repost the same greeting I created for him three years ago, with some edits. The words ring true to this day, anyway. :)

Happy birthday, Kuya!

We need to have more pictures together. :P

Thanks for everything, Kuya. Love you! ♥

22/30.

Big, Fun and Scary Things

A Little Dose of Fiction

Day 21This entry should be going to Wordplay, but it’s not flash fiction because I’ve written this one months ago. Anyway, I’m just really tired today so I can’t go and think of anything deep to write about (I still owe you guys something though). Soo…since NaNoWriMo is almost upon us (still going crazy thinking about it!), and I’ve been meaning to finish this novel soon (gimme time, gimme time!), I thought I’d share a part of my 2008 novel that I am currently finishing/revising. :)

Most of the stuff I wrote in 2008 are still unused in this re-written version…which is like a total bad thing to do when you’re not yet done with your novel, but really, the things I wrote November last year? It sucked. Haha. Then again…this excerpt I’ll share may also suck just as bad so I shouldn’t judge.

Before I cut this entry…I invite you! If you’ve been wanting to write a novel all your life and haven’t…well, this November is just the perfect time to write a novel! :) Everyone’s welcome to join the challenge, so if you have a passion for creative writing, you’re welcome! So…join the National Novel Writing Month! 30 days to write a 50,000 word novel. Crazy? Yes! Fun? DEFINITELY. :)

So here we are…one of the favorite new parts for my 2008 novel. :D Unedited, of course, so excuse the errors. :)

Continue reading A Little Dose of Fiction →

Big, Fun and Scary Things, In His Steps

Proper Motivation

Day 20I’m going to warn you. This post is all about singleness again, so if you’re tired of reading about it, you may skip this entry. :)

Saturday night found me at home after a long day at the Book Fair and my goddaughter’s birthday party. It was another Saturday night that I found myself home early, so I took advantage of it and picked my Bible up to prepare for the Sunday mass and listen to the Sunday Sunday Sunday podcast of Lifeteen.com. I haven’t been very good with praying lately, but I’ve learned to take it a day/week at a time. Last week’s busy-ness made me choose other things over my prayer time so it was kind of a hard week again last week.

But I digress. I found myself asking God to talk to me through the readings, to give me something from the Bible that I could chew on and think of and even be hurt from, because I miss it. Because I was desperate to hear His word after all of the things that I’ve been thinking of/feeling the past few days/weeks.

And what do you know, He really doesn’t disappoint. The second reading brought me to James and these verses jumped out at me:

When you long for something you cannot have, you kill for it, and when you do not get what you desire, you squabble and fight. The fact is, you do not have what you want because you do not pray for it. You pray for something and you do not get it because you pray with the wrong motive of indulging your pleasures. (James 4:2-3)

Reading the verse all over again is making me laugh and smart all at the same time. Let me repeat the particular lines that got me good: The fact is, you do not have what you want because you do not pray for it. You pray for something and you do not get it because you pray with the wrong motive of indulging your pleasures.

Lord, You can be very funny when You answer prayers.

I realize that I’ve been ranting so much about this particular aspect of my lack of a love life. I mean, I am aware of it. And my singleness has always been a running joke, so I’m used to all of it. It’s even become a label, you know — Tina is single. It can be funny, yes, and I can always ride at jokes done at my expense (most of the time, anyway), so it’s okay with me.

Thinking about it now, though, I wonder if all this “Tina is single” jokes and all the times I rode on the jokes of other people about setting me up with other people is making me sound and look desperate. What if it’s actually driving him away, or something? What if what I think and what some other people think is funny is actually unappealing to whoever he is?

So maybe I need to take a step back, you know. Take a good look at my life right now and ask: why am I even ranting about my being single? Why do I want to go into a relationship? Why am I so excited to have someone in my life? Is it because I think I’m ready? Is it because I’m lonely? Is it because I want to get into a relationship for the sake of being in one, because I’m tired of being single? Is it because I’m tired of being a third wheel and spending my weekends alone? Is it because I’m tired of commuting in the rain and I want a boyfriend who can drive me around when it’s hard for me to go around?

Or is it because I want to be able to love someone the way God has loved me?

I have a feeling my answer to the last question is “No”. :(

Am I even ready to love the way I want to be loved? Am I ready to make the necessary sacrifices, to put someone else’s needs before mine? Or do I just want to be in a relationship because I want to feel special, I want to relate to my friends when they talk about surprises and monthly celebrations and all that?

Funny because when I ask those questions, I realize how selfish my motivations are. It’s all me, me, me. I want to be loved! I want to have a boyfriend! I want to have someone! I want to be in a relationship because I want to be happy!

No wonder I’m still where I am.

I’m not saying that my selfishness is the only one thing I need to get rid of and I’ll have an instant romantic relationship. No, no. I have a feeling there’s more, and I honestly have no idea what else God wants to refine in me and for how long He is still going to make me wait…but I get what He wanted to tell me yesterday. I get it. He showed me how selfish my motivations were, and why He’s not giving in to my demands even if I wail and rant and cry. I get it. I’m not sure if I have full understanding of all, but I get what He wanted to say.

And I’m glad He talked to me. Because I really, really missed hearing His voice. My deafness is usually my fault, of course (and it’s something that need to work on again).

I don’t know how long I’ll be waiting still, but I will wait on God. I will not lose hope. Like what they said in the last episode of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition I watched: Love always hopes. I’ll take comfort in my personal experience when I was looking for a new job: it may have been a long and sometimes excruciating wait, but victory was definitely very sweet in the end. :)

So. More patience? You bet. But this time, I’ll be smiling again as I wait. :)

20/30.

Big, Fun and Scary Things, Dear Diary

Book Season 2009

Day 19There’s a time every year that I call “Book Season“. It’s usually around August to September, when all book stores I frequent go on sale, and usually ends right by Manila International Book Fair. These times are practically heaven for me as I get to buy a whole lot of books (then again it’s not like I don’t buy a lot off-season too), which all get added to my growing TBR list. In fact, there are still books on my TBR list from book fair two years ago. Haha.

I’ve always had somewhat of a generous stash every year after Book Season. This year was a bit different though. Good, yeah, but kind of different.

I hit MIBF last Saturday to see if I can find anything I like and buy it. I ventured into the fair with a list of books that I don’t necessarily need to have. The past years I have a list of books that I must have but this year, it’s just…”Okay, if I find it, I’ll probably buy it.” When I got to the fair, I ended up buying some pens from the Pilot booth and then three more books in National Bookstore (which I realized that I can still buy in National Bookstore with the same discount).

And all books I bought were in hardcover. And you know how I don’t like hardcovers.

But still, I think it’s a pretty good haul. They’re all “hot” books anyway:

Book Fair Haul
Book Fair Haul

I finally gave in and bought the hardcover copy of Sarah Dessen‘s Along for the Ride. Couldn’t resist, plus I can’t wait to read it anyway (and I’m almost done reading it!). The Hunger Games and Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins were highly recommended by Blooey, so there. :)

Hm. All sales ended yesterday, I think, and I just realized…almost all books I got to buy on all sales were from the Young Adult section:

2009 Book Saeson Stash
2009 Book Season Stash

From top to bottom:

  1. My Imaginary Ex by Mina V. Esguerra (Powerbooks)
  2. Be Strong & Curvaceous by Shelley Adina (Fully Booked)
  3. Who Made You a Princess? by Shelley Adina (Fully Booked)
  4. The Miracle Girls by Anne Dayton and May Vanderbilt (Fully Booked)
  5. Breaking Up Is Hard to Do by Anne Dayton and May Vanderbilt (Fully Booked)
  6. Along for the Ride by Sarah Dessen (National Bookstore)
  7. The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins (National Bookstore)
  8. Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins (National Bookstore)

Not bad, not bad. I’m just surprised it’s almost all YA. I can see a trend coming in, haha. I find myself gravitating towards that section of the bookstore ever so often. Maybe I should go back to YA for NaNoWriMo.

Right now there’s no other book I want to buy yet. I was thinking of Dan Brown’s The Lost Symbol but it’s too expensive for me, plus I figure I can borrow it somewhere. :) I also wanted to buy those cool Austen reprints at National Bookstore…but I figured I could buy it next time. Or ask for it as  a Christmas gift. Support my Classics reading challenge! Give me Classic books (preferably Jane Austen :P).

Till next year, I guess?

19/30

Big, Fun and Scary Things, Randomnities

Happy Friday!

Day 18It’s another long weekend! Hope you guys have a great time this weekend. I wish I could’ve hit the beach but my weekend is packed anyway — book fair (post tomorrow!), my dad’s arrival, my goddaughter’s birthday…wohoo! Bring it on!

Sorry for the short entry, but for now I will leave you with something  that’s made me giggle everytime I’ve seen it this week. Hope you don’t get to be like this kitteh. :)

Entertain meh!
Entertain meh!

Happy weekend everyone!

18/30.

Big, Fun and Scary Things, Dear Diary

Enjoy the Ride

Day 17I am totally beat. And hungry. Not physically beat but mentally. I’ve been working on a really long work request since seven in the evening, and it’s made me sit in my chair for so long and I haven’t eaten dinner yet, and well…I’m just tired. And I want to go home.

And there’s no one to eat dinner with. :(

But anyway. There’s still so much to do this week that I don’t know if I’ll be able to do all of them. Ugh. So many commitments. Can we have more hours in a day, please?

What are those? Let me list them down:

  • Work, work, work. We’ll be having some sort of freeze next week so we need to finish everything that comes in this week by tomorrow. And…there’s just so much stuff that I need to finish that I think I’ll end up working on Saturday. :(
  • My goddaughter’s first birthday on Saturday — and I haven’t shopped for a gift yet.
  • The website for my brother’s photo booth business. Must have it up by end of the week!
  • Manila International Book Fair on Saturday!
  • My dad’s arrival on Saturday night!
  • NaNoWriMo 2009 preparations! Aahhh.

Not to mention working out, and all the other things that I still need to do. And want to do.

Guess who’s going crazyyy. 8-}

*breathes deeply*

Of course I still have time to blog. I’ve got half the mind to skip tonight’s entry, but I thought I’d pop in before I finally eat dinner. The only consolation tonight is that my brother’s fetching me so I won’t be commuting on the way home. At least there’s a silver lining today (among the others that happened, which I won’t really take the time to elaborate — sorry, it’s in a need to know basis :p).

Yes, enjoy the ride :)
Yes, enjoy the ride :)

There are some things that I am a bit excited about…but I also need to remind myself to be patient. As always. I think patience can be my favorite word now. Hm, what if I name a character after that? Huh. Why not?

But I digress. There are things I’m excited about but can’t be too excited about…so I’d like to use that little graphic to remind me to just enjoy the ride. Because…well, if I don’t, I know I’d end up wishing that I did once the ride is over. So…enjoy! :)

Even if my days have been a hit-or-miss the past few days/weeks, life’s good. I could still use more time praying because I’m struggling with it again, and there are things that I still want but I don’t have yet…but overall life is good. Because God is good. :)

I hope your week has been good too. :) If not, smile. It will get better. :)

17/30.