Year: 2012

It’s real.

Tina 1 Comment

Also known as: Just because you don’t feel it, it doesn’t mean it’s not real.

Last Saturday, I attended my first worship concert again since 2008. It felt like it’s been ages since I last attended one, which is probably true. It’s been ages since I was in praise and worship mode, and to be honest, I kind of forgot how it felt already. Sure, I still listen to the same Christian bands and songs, but to be in worship with other people feels like a foreign concept already. It’s been so long since I was out of community where worship was second nature, and when I left, I left all the energy of praise and worship with other people behind.

The last time I attended a small worship group was before we set off for our Europe mission trip, and as expected, I started tearing up and getting goosebumps soon after the first song was sung. I didn’t get to do that again until last Saturday night, and this was a full-on praise and worship concert that reminded me of the last one I attended three years ago.

It was an amazing experience, being with people all over the world, singing songs and praises to God. I missed that, and I was really, really happy that I got the chance to attend the event. I have to admit, though, that I felt a little…I don’t know how to call it really, rusty? Like I’m not sure what I’m doing, and I’m not entirely connected 100%. I remember those days when it was almost like a switch — I can go from not feeling like it to being on fire with a snap of a finger. Or a clap. Last night it felt a bit like pulling something from somewhere that I’m not even sure existed anymore.

But that doesn’t make the experience any less amazing. It just got me thinking a little bit more about my faith, and how even in these moments of silence, in the long dry season of being sort of on my own on my faith walk, I never thought it was possible for me to just lose it. To question God’s existence. It just never occurred to me, and maybe it’s because I’ve always been aware of it even if I wasn’t on any of my highs.

Perhaps that’s what being in the valley meant. And I thank God for being with me even then.

So, Saturday night was an amazing night, but I was still groping for that switch. I wasn’t sure if I completely felt it like how the other 7000+ people in the place felt it. I do know that while I was struggling to feel it, I heard a still small voice tell me: Even if you don’t feel it that way, it doesn’t make it less real. It doesn’t make Me less real.

And you know what? That is absolutely true.

There are things that you need to really feel and see for it to be real, I know that. Most of the things are like that, really. But faith is another thing, and I don’t think it can be called faith if you can always feel it or see it.

It doesn’t make it less real if you can’t feel it.

Maybe that’s what has made me hold on for so long. Maybe that’s what’s kept me believing all this time.

It’s real all right. Regardless of how I feel.

I will give thanks to the Lord forever.

And I won’t have it any other way.

Housekeeping

Tina 1 Comment

Also known as: Cleaning up, in all ways

I need to do some housekeeping. Literally and figuratively.

I've been wanting to use this for a while now. :D

Back in college, I was so proud to brag that I clean my room thrice a year. I had a schedule for that because my college school year was divided into three, so I usually just schedule a day in my term break to clean my room. When I started working, though, it became a different thing — I had no term break, ergo, no time to clean. That never really fared well with my mom, so I try to take a weekend to clean my room. Being the packrat that I am, it takes me a day to clean my room, usually involving getting rid of papers, pens and fixing and dusting my bookshelf. You know, just making sure there’s a semblance of sanity in my room.

Of course, when Ondoy came, I was forced to clean what was left in my room (which was still a lot). And then we moved to the apartment so our house can be renovated, and all my things were put in boxes and huge plastic bags. Then we moved back to the house, and it was a mess, until I got all my stuff up my room…and I sort of cleaned. I fixed my closet and my shelf and the rest, I put there. In the room. Since I was saving up for Europe, I didn’t really set aside  money to buy furniture for my room. Until now. Not that my room is still a mess — it’s an organized mess, if you’d allow me to use that. I did do some cleaning a few weeks back, but again, since I don’t have the containers and furniture, they all just got stacked back where they were, but with less of the junk.

The point is, I need to do some cleaning. Not just my room, but in other aspects as well. And this post is really for me to list them down so I would somehow remember (I’ll try, anyway), and maybe posting it here is some kind of accountability measure.

And maybe because I changed some typefaces on the blog yesterday, I just felt like blogging again.

Anyway. So, what kind of housekeeping do I need to do?

  1. Delete old files in my work and personal laptops. I can’t remember the last time I deleted files in my computers, for both personal and office laptops. Since I have a pretty big hard drive and I have an external hard drive, I just tend to save. And save. And save. A few days ago, I had a meeting at work, and I realized that some of the files in my laptop were almost five years old. And I’m sure most of them aren’t relevant or needed anymore. Same goes for my personal laptop. And maybe even my hard drive. I need to delete files and organize the folders again so I won’t use the Find function more often (even if that is really the point of that function).
  2. Organize my office cabinet. Or mobile pedestal, as we call it. Right now, I could fool myself into thinking that I have a nice, clean office cabinet since we got issued new ones after our nth move to another building in the last how many years. It barely contains anything — just some snacks, a notebook and my laptop when I go home after work ((I leave my laptop at work now instead of bringing it home all the time — my back is thankful)) — and I could think of so many ways to organize the things I can put in there…but alas. I can’t do that. Because I have an entire lateral cabinet-full of things that I have accumulated in the past four years I am in this company. And I need to clean that ((This may mean bringing home office junk to the house…which is very unfortunate, since I already have so much junk in the first place. Why am I such a pack rat?!)). Soon. Really soon. DONE!
  3. Organize my music folder(s). In my external hard drive, I have a folder there for my music. It was only supposed to be named as “Music”, but I realized that I have music in my personal laptop and music from my work laptop. So I decided to name it that folder “ORGANIZE! Music” to remind myself that I need to fix that. I created that folder in 2009. It still has the same folder name. And I’m not even sure which folder has the most accurate music. And if ever my iPod crashes (knock on wood), I’m not sure if I can restore everything.
  4. Organize my photos. I’m not even sure what the state of my photo library is. I need to check that. Can’t have computers crashing and me losing my photos again. :/
  5. Weed out my bookshelf. Okay, I kinda do regular housekeeping for this, because every time I meet up with my book club, I bring some of the books that I’ve read that I know I would probably never read again. You know, those books that I don’t really like. I’ve been doing pretty good with that. Lately though, someone planted an idea in my head: letting go of books from my to-be-read pile that I will probably never read anyway. Without reading it first. I was flabbergasted. The pack-rat in me was thinking, “But what if you suddenly read a review about that book and it turns out to be really awesome and now that you want to read it, you don’t have it anymore? Better keep it!” But there is wisdom in that idea, because that would significantly reduce the amount of books on my unread pile. Some of those books are impulse buys on sales, and all that, but you know, I never got to read. I still don’t know if I will do that…maybe I will try. Maybe. At least I know I have friends who will eagerly get some of them.
  6. Get some closet space. I really need to do that “give away what you haven’t worn in a year” type of things. I haven’t really done that regularly because I’m a pack rat I haven’t really done major shopping and I’m afraid that if I remove all the clothes that I haven’t worn in a year from my closet, it would be empty. :( Which comes the next note to self: go buy myself something nice to wear. Same goes for shoes. Ah, I want a shopping spree.
  7. Go to confession. Because it’s been long overdue. And the soul needs some housekeeping, too.

So. I’m pretty sure there’s more, but let’s leave it at a manageable list of seven. Now I hope I can get to that soon sometime before 2012 ends within the first half within the first quarter of the year. I just really need to stop procrastinating and start making time for housekeeping. Maybe I can start small. With my photos, probably.

Let’s see. Oh, and finishing housekeeping stuff gives me something to post here, too. :p Hmm.

Emptied

Tina 1 Comment

Also known as: Quarter-life crisis for the new year. Sort of.

The start of the year — ever since last year, anyway — always brings this…choking feeling. It comes soon after the novelty of the new year has worn off. It’s when the optimism fades and I wrestle again with the question: what the heck am I going to do with my year? With my life?

It’s the classic case of quarter-life crisis. I think, anyway. Last year, I remember feeling almost exactly the same thing, too. Except that last year had loads more to be excited about: Europe, to name one. This year, while I admit it to having infinite possibilities once again…I just have no idea what to do. I’ve been thisclose to panic mode the past few days — it could have been because I was sick, or I was stressed, but there’s a part of me that just wouldn’t sit still. I feel like I had to do something, but I don’t know what to do. I want something to happen, but I don’t know what. And worst of all, because I don’t know anything, I’m frozen with fear where I am and I just want to hide under my covers and not get out until I figure everything out. I felt like I was ready to break down anytime.

I know, I know. I said I’m going to initiate. To take the first step. But what if you don’t know what that first step is?

But a little realization earlier. In an attempt to get moving and looking for something to look forward to (and I did promise I would start going again), I attended my first SFC chapter assembly after almost five years. It was fun, even if I left early. Since it was the first chapter assembly of the year, the sharing was about the state of our heart for 2011 and at the start of 2012. Hearing the things the others said was inspiring, not only because I miss sharing sessions like that, but because it reminded me of something that’s been a fact of my life for a while now. Something that I seem to forget sometimes most of the time.

You see, I think sometimes, God answers my prayers even if I don’t expect him to answer it. Which really makes sense since He’s God. But let me explain. You know those carelessly whispered prayers, ones you don’t consider as prayers but God hears, anyway? Anyway, every New Year, I make it  a point to pray at the stroke of midnight, to open the year with a prayer. I did the same thing this year, taking advantage of my solitude (sort of. It’s hardly silent then because of all the firecrackers outside), writing a two-page prayer on my journal while playing All Things New by Steven Curtis Chapman, my favorite New Year song.

Now if you haven’t heard the song, I suggest you go do it now. It’s a song about yes, how God makes all things new. And who doesn’t want new things for the new year, right? I know I want that.

But how can I have room for new things if I cling so much to the old things?

I don’t know if this is right…but I guess, this feeling of emptiness, of panic, of not knowing what to do, is a bit of housekeeping. Maybe, maybe, God is emptying / has emptied me / trying to empty me out so He can make all things new. So He can make me new.

2011 was a good year, and maybe a part of me is still wishing that it’s still 2011, and that I still have all that goodness with me. But I have to remind myself that God is good, and God will give what is good. How could I forget one of my favorite verses in 2011? Just because the year changed, it doesn’t mean that God has changed too.

This is the part where I take a deep breath, and tell myself to calm down. To be still, because He is God. And to be excited because I know that in my heart of hearts, I believe that God has big surprises in store for 2012. I just have to take it one day at a time.

Last. I read this post last weekend, written by one of my favorite authors, Sara Zarr ((Can I just say that I’m positively thrilled to know she writes stuff like these :D)). I thought I’d post some parts of it here too, so I can go back to this easily to remind myself. And maybe, if you’re like me, you need reminding of this too. Advent has long been over, but the message is still relevant.

Take comfort.
Everything is going to be okay; it already is.
God’s power is immense. Make way for that.

…

Joy to the world, the pressure is off.

This God, who has measured off the heavens with his fingers and held the oceans in his hands, has given us these messy and confusing lives. And also likens these messy, confusing lives to beautiful flowers. He came into the mess in a messy, confusing way, and left a confusing mess behind, and that was all exactly as he planned it.

Believing that, I can live my messy, confusing, fleeting life in total freedom. I can look back at this last year and let it be the imperfect mess that it was. I can look into next year and have no clue about what will happen next, and not try to make myself into God by writing up a thousand-item to-do list for 2012.

Because God is God, and he is with me, who is only me.

Allow me to end this post with how people in my community end their sharing (which I totally forgot about and was so happy to hear again earlier): and with this, may God be praised. :)