2012 – Page 3 – tinamats.com

NaNoWriMo 2012

December 2, 2012December 2, 2012 Tina 3 Comments

Also known as: My NaNoWriMo 2012 experience

True story: I almost gave up on NaNoWriMo this year.

2012 is my 9th NaNoWriMo year, but I was not in the mood. At all. I don’t know why, really, except that I have been fighting NaNoWriMo burn out since 2009. I’ve been trying and trying again in hopes of finding that spark again, but every time the month of November ends since then, I just wanted to get it all over with and forget everything that I have written.

So this year, I only joined for the sake of joining, and because I am one of the Municipal Liaisons for the region and we already had plans for the year. It was too late for me to not do it, and I also wanted to guide our new ML since it’s his first time. But if you ask me to be honest, I admit that my heart was not in it. Not this year.

In the past years, NaNoWriMo took first priority when November rolled around. This year, I had to pay attention to other things, especially since a big work project came and it required most of my attention during the day. Then there were other new responsibilities, like community and the book club and well…everything else in life just took place first. Like I said, my heart wasn’t in writing my novel anymore, so I kind of slacked off. And I felt bad.

I started writing a novel in blog format entitled Decaf Nation, which was supposed to be my 2011 project but I scrapped. I thought this year should be easier since it’s a blog and it should be easier to update…but again, when your heart is not in it, it’s really just hard to get writing. I lost steam by the first week, and stopped writing. That was embarrassing, because the novel is posted in public, and I knew people were reading it. (I’m sorry, guys) I hate leaving things, but I could not make myself write another word because I was partly annoyed at my main character. :/

Somewhere around mid November, I read some of my old NaNoWriMo posts and I marveled at how I was so excited for things. I can’t pull them from anywhere within me anymore and I realized my burn out might be worse than I thought. I felt bad especially since I am one of the Municipal Liaisons, and I should set an example, and I have two co-MLs, too. I told myself that I would try harder again, but I have a feeling I would lose anyway, so I won’t try that hard. I will just probably let things be, and see what happens.

And then. I opened my 2011 novel.

Brave Heart

November 19, 2012November 20, 2012 Tina 1 Comment

Also known as: On the heart being stronger and braver than we expect

I was reading some of my recent entries and I had to chuckle at how much I was a mess when I wrote them. I don’t think it’s really obvious except if you knew me personally and you knew the reasons why I wrote those entries back then. It’s just funny how different things are now, and it’s not even that long after. But I guess that’s life.

So I started praying the rosary again. I prayed the rosary everyday last Lent, and then I stopped because Lent was over, but I pray it every now and then, especially when I’m having a hard time staying still. Or when I’m panicking. Especially when I’m panicking. And then some things happened in the past weeks that made me start praying the rosary again every night, and it’s actually nice to take some time off and do that. My concentration is often shot, but the effort is there, and I think that counts. :)

I was praying the rosary last week before I slept, and one of the Luminous Mystery reflections talked about spiritual courage. I offered the mystery for several intentions and I started thinking about what the reflection said about spiritual courage. Then I found myself saying: Lord, teach me how to love and how to be brave.

And then I got the good shivers.

Struggle and Surrender

November 12, 2012November 12, 2012 Tina 3 Comments

Also known as: Fighting for my peace

It frustrates me when I realize how easily I swing from one mood to another. I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one with this (please, don’t let me be the only one?) kind of…condition. It just sucks, for the lack of better words to use.

Whenever I feel unsettled, I immediately go on defense mode. My thought process is usually like this:

Okay, why am I feeling this? I try to find out why I feel it and where/when I started feeling it.
What do I want that will pacify this? Is it reasonable? Is it selfish? Is it petty or something serious?
Then I pray. Like crazy. Until something happens. Or I realize that I am just worrying over nothing. More often it’s the latter.

I know that I should pray first and foremost, but I’m still in that process of consciously trying to do that first. Consciously. And it’s never really easy. But I try.

So, earlier today, I was in that kind of spell. The reasons behind the spell (or really, the triggers) were really petty, which annoys me even more because I thought I was already past these kinds of things. So I find myself struggling and fighting against…I don’t know, myself? The world? Anyway, I had my Keep Calm and Trust God playlist on, I was praying hard to get those thoughts away. I hate that I can be so at peace at one moment, then so agitated the next. It’s crazy and annoying and I wish, I wish, I wish I could be one of those people who just don’t get fazed by the things that faze me. I wish I can be those people who don’t let their worries get to them, who can compartmentalize things and not let other things bother them when they don’t want to be bothered.

Commercial: I used to think I can compartmentalize things, because I had that “absorb now, digest later” defense mechanism. You know, when bad things happen, I don’t think of them just yet until it’s “safe” — when I’m alone, when it’s okay to break down and panic and all that. I think sometime in the past years, I stopped doing that, and I don’t know if I can do that again.

So anyway. Earlier, I was struggling to get my peace again. I was at the gym, getting my dose of endorphins to keep the thinking and the panic at bay. It worked for a while, but once class was over, I got stuck again. Argh. Let me tell you this: the struggling is so tiring. I know that we need to fight for the things that matter to us, and I guess that includes peace of mind, but I hate that I have to do it constantly, that I had to do it then, when I can’t even see a reason why I really lost my peace in the first place.

I told you I’m not cut out for emotional roller coasters anymore.

Can you see how panicked I am even while I’m writing this? Did everything I write up there make sense to you?

And then, I had an epiphany.

Itâ€™s kind of funny how often I feel like I have to fight and struggle for my own peace when really, all I have to do is surrender.

It sounds so simple. And maybe it is. The concept ofÂ surrendering is an entirely different thing, so I’ll leave that for another post. I realize that maybe sometimes, I don’t have to fight or struggle so much to keep my peace. Oh, there are times when I have to fight fiercely, especially when someone or something tries to take it away from me, but when I am the source of my distress, I need to remember that I should just let it go. Just surrender. Because I know nothing, except that I have a God who is in control, who is infinitely wiser and trustworthy and who gives what is good, so I should not panic. I should not be scared. More often than not, I find that there is really nothing to be panicked about. I am just wasting my time fighting to keep my peace when I’m really just struggling with myself.

Remember to surrender. That sounds catchy.

So is there anything that is trying to steal your peace? Is it something you brought upon yourself? (If yes, hello, fellow over thinker!) Remember to surrender. :)