Year: 2012

A Lesson on Trust

Tina 5 Comments

Also known as: Trust issues of some sort

Lately, I’ve been wondering if maybe I chose the wrong word for my year. There is nothing wrong with love, of course. It’s just that in my prayers in the past few days, I seem to be praying for trust. Every. Single. Day.

Image from we heart it

Lord, please give me the courage to trust. The grace to wait for Your will, to trust that You know what You’re doing. Please help me to trust You completely.

I don’t think I have trust issues — I think my friends can attest to that. Sometimes I think I may even be too trusting, at least, with the things I say. As far as the things I do, or the things that needs to be done, that’s where I falter. My being single independent has taught me to learn how to do things on my own, and be happy on my own. Not that there’s anything wrong with that either, but it’s always been some sort of assuring to be in control of things, to know what I can and cannot do, and to know that there’s no one else to blame if anything fails.

So…okay, fine, maybe there’s a bit of trust issue there. I know deep in my heart that I should trust God and His plans, but sometimes, it’s just so hard. Especially on times when there are some things that I really, really, really want, and when there are so many things I know that I can do (or at least, try to do) to get the thing I want. Even just for a little while.

But I’m afraid. Of what, exactly? Of messing up, of missing the lesson, of not seeing the big picture. I’m afraid of the repercussions, I’m afraid of messing things up again, and being back to square one and realizing that things could have gone so much better if only I had learned to trust.

And so I pray for trust. More trust, every single day.

Because here’s the thing. If I do it my way, if I do it the way the world tells me I should do it, then I would probably have what I want….for a little while. Okay, sure, there’s a chance that for a little while might not be true, but what’s the guarantee, right? And why would I be satisfied with having the thing I want for a little while? Why can’t I have it for real and for good?

My God promises so much more than that, and I should know that because He has proven it so many times in my past 26 years. The many times I trusted were the ones that bore the most fruit, the ones that made me realize how much His ways are just so much better than mine. The Europe trip that was born from the failed Australian dream. The dream job that I got after the second time I tried for it again. The new-old house after we were ravaged by a flood. All those other times when He has been completely faithful to me even if I wasn’t completely faithful to Him.

And so I pray for the grace and courage to trust Him at all times. It’s easy to trust Him when things are okay, but when things are uncertain? When you have no idea what will happen if you move or not move, and you can only hope that things don’t turn out bad either way?

And so I pray. And keep quiet (or try, anyway).

But let me get back to that word for the year. Maybe all these prayers for the grace to trust is a stepping stone for me to really understand what love is. I mean, God is love, right? And if I want to learn and live out what love really and truly is, then it follows that I would also know who God really is. Or at least, as much as my human mind and heart can learn. I guess you can’t learn how to really love without also learning how to trust, even if it means that it would hurt sometimes. I guess they’re one of those virtues that just goes hand in hand and you can’t really separate them. ((Oh but sure, you can trust someone without loving them, really…but the kind of love I know and want to know is the love that goes out to everyone, no matter how hard it is to love them, or even if there is no “need” to love them. But that may be for another post))

And didn’t St. Paul say that love “…always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres“?

So yeah. I don’t think I’ll stop from praying for trust anytime soon. But I don’t think I’ll change my word of the year either (a little too late for that, anyway :P).

Dear Lord, please grant us the grace and courage to trust and love at all times.

Rain

Tina Leave a comment

Also known as: Appreciating the rain

I am not a big fan of rain.

Photo from we heart it.

It’s kind of obvious with what my family and I went through almost 3 years ago. But thinking back, I realized that I never really liked the rain. You know those people who sang and danced and were just pretty joyful whenever the skies open up and release torrents (or not) of water on the earth? I’m not that kind of person. I can only count several times when I really, really liked the rain:

  • Back in elementary and high school, when rain meant no classes. (Didn’t everyone like this?)
  • On the second night of the YFC ILC in Davao back in 2006. We got rained in the first night and that got us all running for cover, but on the second night, the rain came right in the middle of a worship session and we just…stayed there and kept on singing. It was an amazing night despite all of us being soaked to the bone.
    Right after the rain. (YFC South A, circa 2006)

    And there I was, all smiles even if I was soaked. (Circa 2006)
  • And finally, there was that moment during the WYD 2011 vigil. Oh, I was scared at first, but after some time, I was able to calm down and maybe even appreciate the rain just a little bit. After all, we prayed for it, and God just gave the water to us.

Okay, so maybe other than that, there were several times that I liked the rain, and I felt like one of the many, many people who smile when the rain comes. But when you get flooded, and the sound of rains can set off a certain kind of fear in your heart…well, it’s kind of hard to find reasons to smile.

It’s the rainy season again in the Philippines, and as always, I’m wary of the impending rains and typhoons that will visit the country. This is one of the many, many times that I miss summer terribly and I can’t help but wish that summer here was just a bit longer. I can’t help but start weather watching again, checking the path of the typhoons and all that. I can’t help but sigh whenever I hear the rains when I wake up, and feel worried about how I’d get to work or how I’d get home.

But you know what? Lately, I feel that that part of me is…well, changing. Okay, maybe a part of it is because I got myself some trusty rain gear in the past months (rain boots from my brother and a pretty good rain jacket just a couple of weeks ago). Somehow, those things just give me comfort that I can at least commute without getting too soaked in the rain. I know this is shallow, but it’s given me a bit of confidence and its made me less annoyed whenever I have to go and commute in the rain.

And there’s another thing. I realized lately that the rains make me appreciate seeing the sun. You know how they say it — you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone. Or something like that. But being under a rainy spell for a while makes me want to dance for joy whenever the sun decides to peek from the clouds and bless us with its beautiful, beautiful yellow warmth.

So maybe I’m not one of those people who dance in the rain. (I tried once, it wasn’t really my best moment. But I am willing to try again as long as someone dances with me ;) ) But I am one of those people who’s learning to see the rains for what they are — a necessary moment, a much-needed cleansing and a cooling respite that prepares us for when the sun comes out again. :)

Literally, and figuratively. :)

Fear

Tina 3 Comments

Also known as: When fear grips you like a vise

Have you ever had that moment when you were doing okay one moment, and then something happens — you got a call, discovered something, saw/heard/read something and then everything changes.

And then it comes. It makes your heart beat faster (and not in a nice way). Your chest tightens and your hands feel colder. You feel like the air is being sucked around you and from you. It grips you like a vise, immobilizing you, but it also makes you want to run, fast and far, with no definite destination, just away.

Fear. It cuts like a sharp knife and if you try to ignore it, it becomes a teeny tiny voice that keeps you distracted, that tries to take everything away from you until you’re so far from who you were before it attacked you and all you can wonder is how you got to that point. But you know how you got there, really — you just don’t really know how to get out.

Read More