Relax

Also known as: On relaxing. And…chilling out

I have a problem with my mind sometimes: it runs too fast.

I wonder if it’s possible to invent something that could turn off certain parts of the brain the moment it starts to over think. I swear I’ll be the first one to get that.

* * *

Sometime two weeks ago I had a legit asthma attack because of stress. It wasn’t even the kind of work-related stress, which was a good and lovely and valid reason if you ask me. It was something a lot more…shallow. And really unnecessary because I brought the stress upon myself, and when things finally cleared later on, it was all for nothing.

I was so annoyed at myself then. I hated how the moment I saw that cause of stress, my mind went a mile a minute, leaving me scrambling behind and unable to catch it. I went from Point A to Point…I don’t know, S? in a matter of seconds. And what I thought, I cannot un-think. It was just so annoying because I just totally stressed myself out.

It sucks.

And with that stress, comes some kind of fear. The one that stops me cold, and just made me wish that I could burrow somewhere and hide, because I don’t think I can handle it if my fears were true, and I wasn’t even sure what exactly I was afraid of. No wonder I got an asthma attack.

With that, my friends usually tell me one thing:

Relax.

Of course…it takes me a while to do that.

Sometimes I think I have emotional/mental/spiritual ADD. Sometimes it’s just one of those three, but sometimes it’s all (and you bet I’d have an asthma attack when all three ADD’s come in). I know I shouldn’t worry, I know there’s nothing to be scared of, but when the thought gets to me, I can’t stop. And lately, I’ve been feeling some kind of despair when that hits me. Maybe it’s part of quarter-life. Maybe it’s something else. Sometimes I even think that I like worrying because it gives me some sort of control over the seemingly uncontrollable situation. Maybe I’m just a natural worrywart?

Okay fine, there’s valid worrying, like thinking about someone’s safety and all, but most of my other worries are just things I’m afraid of. Like things not going the way I want to. Or, losing things that I’m not even sure is really mine. But the thing is, I know in my heart that worrying is useless. My friend said that 80% of the things we worry about never happen, so why do I worry so much? I should know how to handle it.

Or maybe it’s because I really don’t know how to handle it in truth. Or the right way. Something like that.

Chill. Let it go.

You know that all these things would just boil to the thing I’ve been writing about in the past months right? You know, trusting. And knowing who to trust. It takes practice, I guess. Willingness. Deliberation. Intentionality. It’s not easy, but I find in the past days that I am never given anything that I haven’t been able to carry. And that I can actually just sit back and chill and relax and there will be no spontaneous combustion if I do just that.

*takes a deep breath*

So…Relax, Tina. All is (and will be) well.  :)