Category: Dear Diary

See you next year, January

Tina 1 Comment

Would you look at that, it’s the end of January.

I usually feel sad whenever January is ending because it means one thing to me: the freshness of the New Year is really and truly over. I wrote about it a few years ago, and I feel that there’s a special kind of despair that hits me at this time of the year because I often feel that I haven’t done much progress with what I set out to do in the year. Then I cheer up because the end of January means that I’m closer to my birthday.

I don’t know if I’m just feeling optimistic now, but I actually feel okay with January ending. This month was actually good, despite the times when I was hit with quarter-life crisis and some asthma. Maybe this is me growing up? Maybe this is choosing to be happy? Or maybe it’s because February’s going to be busy, and there’s so many things to look forward to in the following weeks, so why not get it started as soon as possible, right?

Momentum. I thought about that earlier, while I was thinking of something to post. It feels like the steps I took in the past month is some way of building momentum for the rest of the year. I’m not the kind of person who takes huge steps or bounds just like that, but I’d like to believe I’m the kind of person who takes a little while to build momentum. If I take too long, I would end up not doing it, so I’m trying to not fall into that trap. I’d like to believe that this year, I’m building the right momentum ((Did I get my Physics term right? :D)) to get to a strong finish by the time 2013 ends.

And then we start all over again.

Look at me, thinking of the end of 2013 at the end of the first month of the year. One day at a time, Tina.

So, January is ending in my timezone in a couple of hours, and I’d like to say thanks. It may be shallow of me to do that, but I’ve learned that you can never be too grateful over the things that happen in your life everyday. So thanks, January. :)

I’ve got a busy February coming up, but I don’t mind. I have a feeling it’s going to be a very, very exciting month ahead. :)

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One brave thing at a time

Tina Leave a comment

They say the third week of January is usually the week in the New Year where people feel most depressed. I can’t remember where I read it, but they say that it’s because the holidays are officially over and we all settle into our little routines again and we realize that even with all the positivity surrounding the turn of the year, the rah-rah’s and the “This year will be our year!” thing…everything is still pretty much the same. I don’t know if it’s just psychological or what, but I am deep in that third-week-of-January blues, thank you very much.

I’m trying to figure out what’s up with this year. I mean, a new year comes every 365/366 days, I know, so I should be used to these ups and downs at the start of the year, but somehow it feels that there’s more things at stake this year. It feels like this personal crisis is bigger than the usual. Is it because I am starting to feel older? Is it because of all this blogging and accountability? Is it because I don’t exactly have anything to look forward to this year? I was trying to figure out if they’re temporary and they will pass once I get into the groove of the new year again, but another part — a bigger part — is telling me not to ignore these things and try to deal with them for a change. I had a huge suspicion that it’s the latter, and I really need to get my act together because if I don’t…well, I don’t know what’s going to happen.

I hit crisis mode again last Monday, and it had the most perfect timing because I was on a sick leave and I had more time to think. I tried to distract myself, but I ended up reading articles that just jolted me and made me panic even more. What sucked then was stress was a trigger to my asthma, so when I start stressing out over life in general, I get an asthma attack and then I stress over that. It’s a vicious cycle.

I won’t go into detail why I went to crisis mode because they’re kind of personal. But I didn’t really want to waste that crisis mode because I realized that there’s always something to learn when I get to those moments. Of course they involve a lot of crying and writing and despair…and sometimes I don’t feel like I can bounce back. But I always do, and it’s really by God’s grace that I find myself back on my feet again.

See, here’s the thing. It’s no secret that I over think. I realized that the reason I panic most of the time when I think of things is that I tend to think of things in fast forward. I jump from Point A to Point Z, and I panic because I feel like it’s such a huge jump, and there will be so many drastic changes and I don’t know if I can deal with all of it and if it’s even the right choice. ((See how I wrote this sentence? That’s me on panic mode.)) And then I try to imagine what would happen if I didn’t make the choice and I see myself regretting everything that hasn’t happened yet. When I get into that panic mode, the easiest option that comes to my mind is to run away. Do something else. Distract myself. Pray that the thing that’s bothering me will go away without me doing anything about it. I was afraid of taking action because I don’t know if I can handle getting the thing I set out for, but I was also afraid of not taking action because I didn’t want to regret the things I didn’t do.

No wonder I go on panic mode, right? But I’m forgetting something:

It’s not over.

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The Thing About Happiness

Tina 4 Comments

Here’s an outrageous theory: I think we’re afraid to be happy.

To be really and truly happy.

A few days after the New Year and posting my 2013 word, I got hit by the usual post-New Year’s quarter-life blues. I was brooding over several things, thinking about things that I want to have and want to achieve in the coming year and then I felt that familiar grip of fear, the one that makes me wonder what the heck do I want to do with my life now, the one that makes me want to curl into a ball and hide and wish that I’m one of those people who gets handed things on a pretty silver platter.

Then I got up, took a deep breath, gathered courage and told myself: Keep calm, it’s only January.

So in the next days, I found myself brooding again, more on the financial side. I was thinking about something that I wanted to get, something that I’ve been meaning to get myself for a while now but never got around to because I prioritized other things over it. Now it felt like the best time to get it, but then maybe it’s not because there’s this big trip I’m planning take this year and it’s either one or the other. So I let it go.

Then the next day, my boss offers me the thing I want, for a lesser price.

And I was all, I can’t believe you’re doing this to me.

It feels like a huge coincidence, someone selling that thing I want just as when I was thinking about it. I didn’t want to get it, because it felt like an impulse buy and I couldn’t possibly afford it given the other plans I have. But it niggled at me. I talked to my brother who told me that it’s too good of a deal to pass up on, and taught me several ways for me to get it. I considered what he said and did some computations, and realized that I may actually afford it. It’s going to be a bit tight, but I can afford it, and it will really be way cheaper than if I get the same thing brand new.

But I didn’t know if I should do it. Like I said, it felt like it was an impulse buy. It felt like I shouldn’t get it. It felt like it’s a test, it’s something that I shouldn’t fall for and getting it would mean I won’t be going to the trip I want to go to after all.

But what if it isn’t? What if this is God’s answer to my prayer?

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