Category: Dear Diary

Questions

Tina 3 Comments

Also known as: How I am not a person who asks questions

I’d like to think I’m a pretty friendly person. I’d like to believe that it’s very easy for me to make friends (keeping friends is another issue for another post). I can manage pretty well in a crowd and go home with new people to talk to, as long as I keep my mind open and I am willing to meet and socialize with new people.

However, there are times when I know and prove that I am not as friendly as I thought I am. My talkative nature may fool you, but really, I think I kind of suck at making friends with some people, especially shy ones. Or people who I don’t share the same language with.

I think I figured out why that is so last weekend.

I don’t ask questions.

One of my closest high school friends admits herself to be quite shy, but I find that she has managed to keep most, if not all, of our high school friends. I kind of suck with keeping in touch, so putting me in the same room with my old high school batch mates without the ones I consider very close to me now and I’ll be uncomfortable, especially if they all have their own groups. My friend, on the other hand, can probably stay there and talk to them and go out with them again sometime after that.

Last weekend, we had “new blood” in our group, and while I find myself still able to talk to him,I wasn’t able to talk to him for a long time because I don’t know what to ask. I mean, I could probably dig up stuff to ask, but I feel like our conversation would probably be littered with awkward silences as I try my best to be accommodating and entertaining and all that.

It’s kind of a weird realization to know that despite my being talkative, I don’t really ask questions. I think it’s because I’m not confrontational. I don’t really ask stuff — I tend to digest things first before asking anything. Call it a defense mechanism, or maybe even masochism. Masochism in the sense that in school, I’d rather find things out for myself than ask. I’d exhaust all possible resources before getting the nerve to ask a question. I’m also not the one who will snap at a waiter or waitress in a restaurant if their service is crappy (except maybe if I’m in a really, really bad mood), and more often than not, I sound nice when I’m annoyed.

I think that carries over with my conversation skills. Sure, I have no problem talking, but it’s kind of hard for me to keep the questions going and going. I often get along with people who are almost as talkative as I am, or at least, someone who asks the questions and we both answer the questions. But for other people, I tend to falter. I am interested in knowing the other person, it’s just that I’m not in the habit of asking questions.

I guess this goes to show I’m not really a curious person? Or, in Nat Geo’s terms, I don’t live curious?

Well that’s something I should work on. Especially if I plan to attend World Youth Day this year — I’m going to need to be more curious, right?

Does this mean I’m going to have to pick up those conversation starter books? Or maybe I should just learn to pay better attention to other people?

Here’s the thing

Tina Leave a comment

Also known as: Dissecting the reason why I am probably not blogging that much here

The thing about having new blogs is how shiny and blank it is. It’s supposed to be easier to write in, it’s supposed to have more possibilities than old ones do. It’s a blank slate, easy to mold, easy to bring to a new direction compared to having an old one and reinventing it.

I think I’m having some kind of problem with that. Ideally, I should be able to write here more than I usually do, because it’s fresh and blank and all that. I should be posting more, writing more, but I find that every time I wanted to write, I just don’t feel like it. I know I’m not obligated to write every single boring detail of my life here. I just feel like I’m neglecting this blog and not making the most out of it, especially if I know I can write something. I know I can. I know somewhere there, I have the words to fill this blog with thing that matter, not always to anyone, but to me.

But the problem:

I suppose I may really be pressuring myself. Or maybe because I don’t really know what the point of having this blog is about for me. I know the point of my book blog and I’m glad that somehow that’s still going strong. But what about this blog? Why didn’t I just close the personal blog side and just focus on book blogging, which is something I really enjoy doing? Why is this still here?

I don’t know, really, except maybe it’s because I love words. And maybe it’s  because I can’t really be bothered to sit down and write in a journal when it’s easier and faster to write in a blog. I love writing in a journal, don’t get me wrong, but we all have to admit that it’s not always easy to find time to write there. It’s why blogging is so attractive because it’s easier and it’s faster. And as much as bloggers say that they really write for themselves, you can’t deny that there is attraction in knowing that there is some audience. Maybe there’s this part of me — the writer part of me — that wishes somewhere out there, someone will stumble upon these words and feel better. Or at least, feel some sort of kinship and find comfort in knowing that they’re not alone, just like how I find comfort when I read blogs such as hers or hers.

I guess my point is…I need to know the point of this thing. I wrote about this a year ago but I guess I never had an answer. But maybe this is the time for me to know what that answer is, right? Just like I know I can never stop reading, I also know that I can’t stop writing. And since fiction isn’t my only outlet…here’s the blog. Can this be qualified as creative non-fiction?

I guess I should really ease the pressure on myself to write the way other people do, and just write. I’m me and they’re them. As much as I remember that I am writing for an audience, I must never forget that I am writing for myself, too. Sounds contradictory? Yeah, it is. But if you’ve been blogging for a while, you should probably get this.

Or not. I apologize in advance if that didn’t make sense.

So…let’s try this again. No pressure. More coherent entries to follow. But first, I’m going to Baguio this weekend. See you when I get back. :)

31 Days

Tina 1 Comment

Also known as: The end of January, goal updates, and some time woes

Just like that, January is ending. Excuse me for being cliche once again, but where did this month go?

There’s something about this year that makes me want to slow it down. Maybe it’s because of that twenty-five thing. Maybe it’s because I don’t want this lovely cold weather to end yet. Maybe it’s because I feel like time really just passes by too fast and everything is passing me by. Maybe I’m just feeling all of this now because I have a monthly visitor and that has always made me feel a bit more emotional than the usual (see how easy it is to blame the hormones?).

But anyway. January is ending. There is exactly 11 months left in 2011. How is that possible?

Forgive me for being so overwhelmed by the turn of the month. I’ve been through 25 January endings in my entire life, but somehow this one just strikes me a bit more. I guess that’s what happens when you think about things too much. I don’t know if that’s good or bad.

So the usual question with this should be: how are your resolutions, so far? Well, since I didn’t really make resolutions this year save for two goals, it should be easy to answer. I don’t know if I’d like the answers…but what the heck.

Goal # 1: Driving

I can’t count how many times I wished I had my own car in the past month. It’s an itch, strange to say. I really have this feeling that I will only really have the confidence to drive if I had my own car. It’s like how I lost weight, you see: I tried exercise videos, leading cutting stack programs, dieting on my own, and all that, but I only really shed the extra pounds when I signed up for the gym. It’s not only about the entire gym atmosphere really, but the fact that I knew gym fees (including trainer and nutritionist fees) were being charged in my card, so I felt that I had to make the most out of it. It worked. I figured the same principle would apply with driving.

This is why I want a car.

It’s a huge investment, though. I know I can’t afford it anytime soon (especially because of Goal # 2). But man. I could count the number of times I wished so bad I had a car — then wished I knew how to drive well.

Of course, owning a car now is not really a wise thing in the Philippines, with the rising gas prices and car-related crimes and all. But I wouldn’t mind owning this pretty little thing:

Honda Jazz. ♥

I also have a feeling I’m just being a tad materialistic there.

Goal # 2: WYD in Madrid, Spain

It is a bit too early to start preparing the papers, but I have started planning my trip dates! I ran into a bit of conflict in the first dates I planned because of work (which reminds me I should write some thoughts about that), I think I have finally settled on dates that is perfectly acceptable to me. The next steps now are to collect requirements so I can start fixing the papers.

Speaking of Spain, My best friend and I were talking about trips and stuff, and a bit of quarter-life crisis (more to that on another post), and I told him that I can’t not go to this trip. I don’t know why, but I feel like this is something that I should do for myself this year, whatever other people say. I feel like I owe this to myself, at least for the part of me that yearns to do something other than what I do.

* * *

I think the saddest thing about January ending is how the start of the year feels over. It’s February, you can’t say the year just started. The freshness is starting to fade. And there’s a sad feeling knowing that it would take 11 more months before we get to really feel that freshness again.

Then again, that is subjective. Every day is a new day, ergo, every day should have the same kind of freshness that January 1 had. It should. It’s not easy, but we all need new days. And we are given that everyday. How beautiful is that?

In less than an hour, January is going to end. I’m kind of sad that it is ending…but I am looking forward to what the February has to offer. And March. And April. And May. And…you get what I mean.

This entry felt a bit all over the place than what I originally intended. Apologies. I will try to blog more often here than I did in the next month. :)