Last Saturday was another book discussion day for me with my awesome friends from my awesome book club. It was another awesome day (I use this adjective a lot, I know), and I’ll talk about it in the book blog. One of our activities in that discussion was to pick song verses that describe a specific moment in our past, be it good or bad. It was a hard thing to do, since I have so many songs that were really more like life anthems, but after a lot of thinking, I finally chose a song and submitted it before I chickened out. I remember thinking, It’s going to be a bit hard explaining this, and I thought of writing a blog entry about it before Saturday came, but I just didn’t have enough time.
Well, I didn’t really have a hard time explaining it after all, because as cheesy as it may sound, I took it all from the heart. I’ve always believed that for difficult situations and sharings, you just really have to be honest and say it all from the heart and people will see that effort and it will be okay. And I guess it pays when you pray about these things, too.
Anyway, my chosen song was one of Switchfoot‘s old songs: Playing for Keeps. Specifically, it’s these lines:
Lately, I’ve been wondering if maybe I chose the wrong word for my year. There is nothing wrong with love, of course. It’s just that in my prayers in the past few days, I seem to be praying for trust. Every. Single. Day.
Lord, please give me the courage to trust. The grace to wait for Your will, to trust that You know what You’re doing. Please help me to trust You completely.
I don’t think I have trust issues — I think my friends can attest to that. Sometimes I think I may even be too trusting, at least, with the things I say. As far as the things I do, or the things that needs to be done, that’s where I falter. My being single independent has taught me to learn how to do things on my own, and be happy on my own. Not that there’s anything wrong with that either, but it’s always been some sort of assuring to be in control of things, to know what I can and cannot do, and to know that there’s no one else to blame if anything fails.
So…okay, fine, maybe there’s a bit of trust issue there. I know deep in my heart that I should trust God and His plans, but sometimes, it’s just so hard. Especially on times when there are some things that I really, really, really want, and when there are so many things I know that I can do (or at least, try to do) to get the thing I want. Even just for a little while.
But I’m afraid. Of what, exactly? Of messing up, of missing the lesson, of not seeing the big picture. I’m afraid of the repercussions, I’m afraid of messing things up again, and being back to square one and realizing that things could have gone so much better if only I had learned to trust.
And so I pray for trust. More trust, every single day.
Because here’s the thing. If I do it my way, if I do it the way the world tells me I should do it, then I would probably have what I want….for a little while. Okay, sure, there’s a chance that for a little while might not be true, but what’s the guarantee, right? And why would I be satisfied with having the thing I want for a little while? Why can’t I have it for real and for good?
My God promises so much more than that, and I should know that because He has proven it so many times in my past 26 years. The many times I trusted were the ones that bore the most fruit, the ones that made me realize how much His ways are just so much better than mine. The Europe trip that was born from the failed Australian dream. The dream job that I got after the second time I tried for it again. The new-old house after we were ravaged by a flood. All those other times when He has been completely faithful to me even if I wasn’t completely faithful to Him.
And so I pray for the grace and courage to trust Him at all times. It’s easy to trust Him when things are okay, but when things are uncertain? When you have no idea what will happen if you move or not move, and you can only hope that things don’t turn out bad either way?
But let me get back to that word for the year. Maybe all these prayers for the grace to trust is a stepping stone for me to really understand what love is. I mean, God is love, right? And if I want to learn and live out what love really and truly is, then it follows that I would also know who God really is. Or at least, as much as my human mind and heart can learn. I guess you can’t learn how to really love without also learning how to trust, even if it means that it would hurt sometimes. I guess they’re one of those virtues that just goes hand in hand and you can’t really separate them. ((Oh but sure, you can trust someone without loving them, really…but the kind of love I know and want to know is the love that goes out to everyone, no matter how hard it is to love them, or even if there is no “need” to love them. But that may be for another post))
And didn’t St. Paul say that love“…always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres“?
So yeah. I don’t think I’ll stop from praying for trust anytime soon. But I don’t think I’ll change my word of the year either (a little too late for that, anyway :P).
Dear Lord, please grant us the grace and courage to trust and love at all times.
Have you ever had that moment when you were doing okay one moment, and then something happens — you got a call, discovered something, saw/heard/read something and then everything changes.
And then it comes. It makes your heart beat faster (and not in a nice way). Your chest tightens and your hands feel colder. You feel like the air is being sucked around you and from you. It grips you like a vise, immobilizing you, but it also makes you want to run, fast and far, with no definite destination, just away.
Fear. It cuts like a sharp knife and if you try to ignore it, it becomes a teeny tiny voice that keeps you distracted, that tries to take everything away from you until you’re so far from who you were before it attacked you and all you can wonder is how you got to that point. But you know how you got there, really — you just don’t really know how to get out.
