Category: In His Steps

Faith

Advent

Tina 1 Comment

This may be the first Christmas season where I can hardly feel the spirit. Normally, I would be up to my ears buying gifts, preparing for parties, and all that at this time…but this year, I’m not. I haven’t shopped for any gifts at all, I missed thre nights of Simbang Gabi, and inside I’m really just counting down to the holiday break, because gosh darn it, I really need this break.

It seems like in the past weeks, all I’ve been doing was waiting. Waiting for the weekend, waiting for the time I can go home, waiting for a meeting, waiting for an event, waiting for the holiday break, waiting for things to end. As if all those waiting wasn’t enough, now I’m waiting even some more to hear some feedback for some important things, which has kept me very, very antsy in the past days, so much that there has been a heavy feeling in my heart that I have been fighting off if I want to get things done.

I’m not really a stranger to waiting. Romantically, I have been waiting for a huge chunk of my life, and I am still waiting. I wait a lot in lines in banks, or tricycle terminals, and all that. I should be used to that, but whenever I am faced with a new kind of waiting, it seems like I do not know how wait again. I want things to happen my way, and I want them now. If not now, then as soon as possible.

I kind of hate that it has to happen now, when it’s supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year.

But then again, liturgically speaking, it’s not the Christmas season yet. We’re still smack in the middle of Advent. And Advent means a time of expectant waiting and preparation for the coming of Jesus. Yes, it is joyful, but it is more of a joyful expectation, where the coming of our Savior is so close but at the same time, it feels so far.

And so we wait.

And wait.

And it’s so frustrating.

Sometimes I get so caught up with all my worries and I don’t sit still, and I worry so much. I lost count at how many times I repeated this to myself: Stop worrying. You already prayed for it, and God has heard you.

But like I said, sometimes I want some things so much, and I want them now.

Be patient, my good friend, previous manager, and sort-of mentor told me the other day when I talked to him about what was happening to me recently. I was thisclose to panicking, and I was feeling so pressured and so scared that I wouldn’t get what I want. But he calmed my fears and repeated:  Be firm, be nice, be humble, and be patient. It will all work out fine.

What did I write last year? With God, no waiting is ever wasted.

This may be God’s way of letting me understand what Advent really means, and to prepare me for Christmas in a whole new way.

And so I wait.

I ask for the grace to sit still, and for the courage to be patient. Jesus is on His way, and everything will work out fine. God has always been faithful, and He will be faithful, and I believe He has heard my prayer and He will only give me what is best.

So I wait.

Things I Forget

Tina 2 Comments

Sometime around last week, I started to feel this tiny little worry because my word for 2015 hasn’t found me yet.

Delight, my 2014 word found me perhaps a little around this time last year, but it felt a little obvious given everything that happened in 2013. Courage, my 2013 word found me sometime in December, I think, but I think I knew it before I finally acknowledged that word (because I was scared of it). And now, we’re about 5 weeks away from 2015, and I was coming up with nothing and I was worried.

But then there was no room for worry because the last few weeks at work were very tough ones – as in really tough – and a part of me wonders why these things had to happen on the year when I said I’d be joyful, and not on the year when I said I’d be courageous. I am supposed to be done with having to live courage all over again — it’s the year of joy, joy, joy. Why am I wrestling with fear again?

I know, I know – joy is a kind of courage, it’s not just happiness, and courage is a choice, blah, blah, blah. I know that. Except knowing and living it out are two different things and there was a huge part of me in the past few weeks that keep on resisting to what I was doing, and what I should do, and there’s this loud part of me that just wants to quit. Because it’s hard. Because it’s not fun. Because I don’t think I can do this. Because I don’t want this. Because I didn’t ask for this.

I’m trying to recall where all the guts I had from last year went. I called myself brave last year because I did things I never thought I could do. Did they disappear when I decided to take delight this year? I hope not. Or maybe I wasn’t really brave then, but you know, faking it the entire time? I hope not, too.

I remember something I learned when I started working for my current company, about how we get called to certain levels of faith. When we reach a certain point, we get to start from zero again not because we’re back to square one, but because we’re at a new level, and we need to level up with the faith points. Or joy points. Or courage points. Those kinds of things. While I was reflecting and listening to the community events I attended this weekend, I realized that maybe I am at a new level of courage, and that is why I am scared out of my wits.

Over the weekend, though, I learned that courage isn’t really what drives away fear. Which makes sense, because I always thought brave people are people full of fear who still decide to go for it, anyway. What I completely forgot – because I let my fears ruled me in the last two, three weeks – is this: love drives away fear.

How could I forget that? Perfect love. Okay, sure, my love isn’t perfect, but I am loved by a perfect God…so why am I so afraid? I know I am capable of love…so again, why am I so afraid?

It’s so simple, but I know it’s going to be hard, too, especially since I tend to fall away and worry and lately I seem to be so overwhelmed with so many things. I forget so easily, and I get distracted by so many things, and before we know it, I am back to the worrying and wanting to get out…and then today I was reminded of two things (among others):

Surrender control. Seek His will.

You see, it’s really not about what I want. It has never been that. It’s always been what God wants, what His will is. I know that I will find His will in my deepest desires, but I will only know what those deep desires if I seek His will. And part of seeking His will is surrendering all of my control. The more I try to control, the more frustrated I will get, and the more fearful I will become.

I forget so easily.

I’ve been restless in the past days because everything felt hard, so hard, and all I wanted to do was quit. But earlier today, as the people in the Catchfire 2014 conference sang Refiner’s Fire, and I leaned onto my dad, I started to cry because I realized what I forgot: my heart’s one desire is to be holy, set apart for you my Master, ready to do Your will.

I forget so easily.

It’s Monday again tomorrow, and I am already bracing myself for another tough week. God never promised that it will be easy, but He promised that He will never ever leave us. He will never ever leave me. Hasn’t He been faithful all my life – why would He be less faithful now?

Here’s to a victorious week ahead. :) Pray with me?

Oh my strength, I will sing Thy praises!
Thou o Lord are a shield to me!
Oh my King, though the battle rages,
I look with victory on my enemies.
Praise you Lord, mighty King of Zion! ♥

Ave Maria

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I think it was around January when a friend mentioned something about this Marian retreat she did that “totally changed her life.” I thought at first that it was the the actual retreat, where you go somewhere to be away and to listen to talks. But it was just a little book: 33 Days to Morning Glory by Fr. Michael Gaitley. You read a chapter a day, and at the end of 33 days, there’s  a consecration prayer, and voila!

“Get ready for miracles!” she said, her eyes sparkling excitedly.

I don’t have a strong devotion to Mary. I mean, I know her, I believe in her and I honor her. There was one Lent where I prayed the rosary everyday as a part of my Lenten prayers, but come Easter, I stopped. I only really pray the rosary when I have to – like when we pray it in the family – or when I was really, really afraid (or heartbroken).

I don’t mean to be so flippant. I think my not having a devotion is not because I don’t believe in her intercession, but because I didn’t understand her – her role, what she can do, and why she’s important. I thought I could grow in my Catholic faith without her. But after I heard my friend talk about Mama Mary and the retreat, I decided to get myself a copy of that book. After all, what she said made sense — who else can teach us how to love Jesus than His very human mom? There’s nothing to lose, anyway, and I have to admit, the miracles thing got me curious. What kind of miracles, really?

And as if it was a sign, the 33 Days book arrived at home in less than two weeks after I ordered it online, way early than when my Book Depository orders usually come, and just in time for me to start the retreat on the next recommended date.

Again, what do I have to lose, right?

At the end of my 33 days retreat, the day I finished the book, I wrote this:

I was trying to think of ways to review this book, because 33 Days to Morning Glory didn’t feel like the regular book I would review. For one thing, I never thought I’d actually do this until a friend told me about this retreat. Another is that how can I find the words to explain how reading this in the past 33 days have changed me, helped me get to know Mary and her role in my life through St. Louis de Montfort, St. Maximilian Kolbe, Blessed Mother Teresa, and Blessed John Paul II?

Let me say this instead, because this is the only thing I could think of now: there were miracles, big and small in the past 33 days that I could only attribute to the fact that I knew Mary was praying with me. There were crosses that were made sweeter, and I know that if I had encountered them on my own, it would have crushed me. But having Mama Mary by my side made it different, easier, even. She held my hand and stood by me as we looked at Jesus at the Cross, and taught me how to accept His love and to love Him back. Who else could teach us how to love Jesus with our human heart other than Mary, his mother? I don’t know why it took me this long, but I’m glad I got here now.

I woke up excited this morning, because I remembered that it was 25th of March. Today is the Solemnity of the Annunciation, where we remember how Mary said the most beautiful “Yes” to the Lord, and through the Holy Spirit, she conceived Jesus. Today, like her, I also say yes to God — I consecrate myself to Jesus through Mary. :)

So how has it been, ever since I said “Yes” and was consecrated? I wish I could say it’s completely wonderful and all is good and dandy, but the truth is, it’s not. It’s hard. And sometimes frustrating. Sometimes I still feel sad, and lonely, and I still say and do bad things. Things go my way sometimes, but sometimes they don’t. I still get tired, and there were days when I just want to lie down in bed and do nothing.

In short, life is still pretty much the same, with all the happiness and difficulties that comes with it.

But it’s also not the same. Because there is something nice in knowing that someone is praying for me. You know how good it feels when you know that your friends have you in their prayers? It’s like that, but still more. There is a certain grace in knowing that the Mother of God is praying for me, and she wishes to bring me closer to her Son, if only I let her.

Perhaps if there was a biggest miracle that had happened in the past months since I embarked on the 33-day journey, it’s this: two years ago, the 25th of March was a significant date for me, one that is connected to the circumstances that led to this post. I counted every 25th as a celebration of sorts, and when it can no longer be significant, I had to stop counting. And it’s not easy to stop counting.

As I woke up on the last day of my 33-day Marian consecration journey, I realized with a start that my consecration date fell on the Solemnity of the Annunciation – March 25. I had to laugh when I realized what it all means. I’m sure it’s no coincidence now that the book arrived at the right time, so that my consecration date was on the 25th. I’m pretty sure Mama Mary had something to do with it. :)

#100happydays Day 53: Today, we celebrate the "yes" that truly mattered. Happy Solemnity of the Annunciation! 🙏 And happy consecration day to me. :) To Jesus, through Mary. 💙

It hasn’t been easy, but it also hasn’t been completely hard, either. Like what I wrote up there, the crosses are still the same but they are made sweeter because Mama Mary is there, and she’s holding my hand, and she wants me to be closer to her Son. It’s been full of grace, and joy, too, and I do not want to have it any other way than this.

Happy birthday, Mama Mary! ♥ Thank you for always praying for me, for us. Thank you for your motherly love. Thank you for saying yes to God. :) I love you!