I want to hold your hand

Tina 2 Comments

Also known as: A mushy post on love and hand holding

Whenever I am commuting, I tend to observe people as much as I can as I walk. There comes a time in all this observing that I find myself watching out for couples, watching for how the guy treats the girl or how the girl holds on to her guy. Mostly, though, I look at how they hold each other’s hands. There’s something just so comfortable In seeing couples holding hands. Sometimes with swinging ((In short, HHWWPSSP – Holding hands while walking, pa-sway-sway pa)). An outward declaration of love, if you may, that isn’t as uncomfortable as seeing them kiss in public.

Maybe it’s the influence of that part in Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist when one of Nick’s friends tell him that The Beatles got it right about love that makes me observe that. Wait, let me quote it for you instead (pardon the language, though):

You know the reason The Beatles made it so big?…‘I Wanna Hold Your Hand.‘ First single. F*cking brilliant. Perhaps the most f*cking brilliant song ever written. Because they nailed it. That’s what everyone wants. Not 24/7 hot wet sex. Not a marriage that lasts a hundred years. Not a Porsche…or a million-dollar crib. No. They wanna hold your hand. They have such a feeling that they can’t hide. Every single successful song of the past fifty years can be traced back to ‘I Wanna Hold Your Hand.’ And every single successful love story has those unbearable and unbearably exciting moments of hand-holding.

I have no experience to speak of, of course. Except maybe for that dream I had one time…but that was just a dream. What do I know, right?

There was a time when my family and I were in Hong Kong. It was the first time my now sister-in-law joined us on a trip outside the country. We were walking down one road in the city when my brother took his then-girlfriend’s hand in his and walked ahead of me. I looked behind me and saw my parents doing the same thing. Two couples, lost in their own reveries, and I was there, right smack in the middle of it all.

I remember whenever I would recall this particular anecdote with other friends, I’d end the story with a laugh and tell them I did this:

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State of the Heart

Tina 4 Comments

Also known as: What is the state of my heart? Answering a question I wrote for today’s Didache reflection

I always find myself surprised whenever I see a reflection I wrote in Didache ((A daily Catholic devotional from Kerygma Family — you can get it sent to your inbox everyday for free, just sign up at the website. Or better yet, buy a copy of Didache!)) during my prayer time. I guess sometimes I forget all about it, so seeing something familiar, or my name at the bottom always takes me by surprise.

That happened yesterday. I chuckled as I read my reflection knowing full well why I wrote it. :) Here’s the full text:

FOLLOW YOUR HEART

“For from within, out of men’s hearts, come evil thoughts…” – Mark 7:21

It’s a popular saying: follow your heart. I’ve read a lot of books and watched a lot of movies that always had that same central message. Because, as they say, the heart knows where it’s going and it could lead you to where you really want to be.

For a long time, I believed that I shouldn’t trust my heart, because I couldn’t trust my desires. I always thought that whatever the heart wants was selfish — only for me, me, me and not for the greater good of other people. I didn’t believe in the saying “follow your heart” because I felt that whenever someone follows his or her heart alone, it would always lead into trouble. It would be something out of God’s will.

Right now I’m trying to unlearn that. In the past couple of years, I’ve learned that my deepest desires are the same desires that has God planted in me. These are the things He planted deep in my heart, the ones in line with His will.

And for me to know what these true God-given desires are, I’ve got to work to make my heart more like His.

REFLECTION:
What is the state of your heart?

Make my heart more like Yours, Lord.

I had to laugh when I saw the reflection question. I know why I wrote this exactly, but I found it funny that was the question I asked. What is the state of your heart? or, How’s your heart? is one of our favorite questions back when I was in YFC ((The Catholic community I grew up with)). It’s a question that makes us stammer and falter to find the right answers that wouldn’t make us sound like a wuss, or at least someone very needy or desperate. In short, we all find ways to sum the answer up into two words: I’m okay.

Okay, maybe that’s just me. :P

So in the spirit of my reflection published in today’s Didache, here’s a brutally honest moment ((A term used to describe the way I blog before)). I will answer the question: What’s the state of my heart, right now?

Really and truly?

I’m trying. If there’s one word I can use to describe the state of my heart, it’s that word: TRYING.

It’s not that I’m not okay. I think I am okay now (in fact, at this very moment, I am kind of happy), but I know that that general feeling of happiness can change just as easily because of some things that could happen at work, at home, or what people say or do or do not do. Happiness is fleeting, really. If you want something that would last, strive for joy.

But talking about joy is in another post. My heart is always trying. Trying to be content. Trying to be joyful. Trying to be strong. Trying to want the right things. It’s different from struggling. Struggling is the more conflicted form of trying, when you know you want something but you also know that it may not be a wise idea. Struggling is something like this:

Struggling happens to me a lot, more often than I want to. Struggling is good for the heart, but I think it’s not healthy to be always struggling. You’d have to find some peace inside you at one point, when you make a choice, and then you go and try to be faithful to that decision.

But trying…trying is different. Trying is when you know that you will never be enough, but still you try anyway. It’s  wanting to be better, to do things right, to be loving even when it’s hard. Trying is when you attempt to reach something, and when you finally get it, you try to stay there or move forward.

My heart is in an almost constant state of trying. Trying to be content, to be joyful, to be generous, to be prayerful. Trying to be patient. Trying to be loving. Trying to be healthy. Trying to be after God’s own heart. Failing most of the time, but trying, anyway. I don’t think I will ever stop trying at least until I reach perfection, which I will only reach with Him.

This reminds me of my favorite quote from C.S. Lewis:

“We learn, on one hand, that we cannot trust ourselves even in our best moments, and, on the other, we need not despair even in our worst for our failures are forgiven. The only fatal thing is to sit down content with anything less than perfection.” (Mere Christianity)

You know what they say when you don’t succeed? Try, try again. That. My heart is doing that. :)

How about you? Have you stopped and asked yourself the same question? What is the state of your heart?

Questions

Tina 3 Comments

Also known as: How I am not a person who asks questions

I’d like to think I’m a pretty friendly person. I’d like to believe that it’s very easy for me to make friends (keeping friends is another issue for another post). I can manage pretty well in a crowd and go home with new people to talk to, as long as I keep my mind open and I am willing to meet and socialize with new people.

However, there are times when I know and prove that I am not as friendly as I thought I am. My talkative nature may fool you, but really, I think I kind of suck at making friends with some people, especially shy ones. Or people who I don’t share the same language with.

I think I figured out why that is so last weekend.

I don’t ask questions.

One of my closest high school friends admits herself to be quite shy, but I find that she has managed to keep most, if not all, of our high school friends. I kind of suck with keeping in touch, so putting me in the same room with my old high school batch mates without the ones I consider very close to me now and I’ll be uncomfortable, especially if they all have their own groups. My friend, on the other hand, can probably stay there and talk to them and go out with them again sometime after that.

Last weekend, we had “new blood” in our group, and while I find myself still able to talk to him,I wasn’t able to talk to him for a long time because I don’t know what to ask. I mean, I could probably dig up stuff to ask, but I feel like our conversation would probably be littered with awkward silences as I try my best to be accommodating and entertaining and all that.

It’s kind of a weird realization to know that despite my being talkative, I don’t really ask questions. I think it’s because I’m not confrontational. I don’t really ask stuff — I tend to digest things first before asking anything. Call it a defense mechanism, or maybe even masochism. Masochism in the sense that in school, I’d rather find things out for myself than ask. I’d exhaust all possible resources before getting the nerve to ask a question. I’m also not the one who will snap at a waiter or waitress in a restaurant if their service is crappy (except maybe if I’m in a really, really bad mood), and more often than not, I sound nice when I’m annoyed.

I think that carries over with my conversation skills. Sure, I have no problem talking, but it’s kind of hard for me to keep the questions going and going. I often get along with people who are almost as talkative as I am, or at least, someone who asks the questions and we both answer the questions. But for other people, I tend to falter. I am interested in knowing the other person, it’s just that I’m not in the habit of asking questions.

I guess this goes to show I’m not really a curious person? Or, in Nat Geo’s terms, I don’t live curious?

Well that’s something I should work on. Especially if I plan to attend World Youth Day this year — I’m going to need to be more curious, right?

Does this mean I’m going to have to pick up those conversation starter books? Or maybe I should just learn to pay better attention to other people?