They say the third week of January is usually the week in the New Year where people feel most depressed. I can’t remember where I read it, but they say that it’s because the holidays are officially over and we all settle into our little routines again and we realize that even with all the positivity surrounding the turn of the year, the rah-rah’s and the “This year will be our year!” thing…everything is still pretty much the same. I don’t know if it’s just psychological or what, but I am deep in that third-week-of-January blues, thank you very much.
I’m trying to figure out what’s up with this year. I mean, a new year comes every 365/366 days, I know, so I should be used to these ups and downs at the start of the year, but somehow it feels that there’s more things at stake this year. It feels like this personal crisis is bigger than the usual. Is it because I am starting to feel older? Is it because of all this blogging and accountability? Is it because I don’t exactly have anything to look forward to this year? I was trying to figure out if they’re temporary and they will pass once I get into the groove of the new year again, but another part — a bigger part — is telling me not to ignore these things and try to deal with them for a change. I had a huge suspicion that it’s the latter, and I really need to get my act together because if I don’t…well, I don’t know what’s going to happen.
I hit crisis mode again last Monday, and it had the most perfect timing because I was on a sick leave and I had more time to think. I tried to distract myself, but I ended up reading articles that just jolted me and made me panic even more. What sucked then was stress was a trigger to my asthma, so when I start stressing out over life in general, I get an asthma attack and then I stress over that. It’s a vicious cycle.
I won’t go into detail why I went to crisis mode because they’re kind of personal. But I didn’t really want to waste that crisis mode because I realized that there’s always something to learn when I get to those moments. Of course they involve a lot of crying and writing and despair…and sometimes I don’t feel like I can bounce back. But I always do, and it’s really by God’s grace that I find myself back on my feet again.
See, here’s the thing. It’s no secret that I over think. I realized that the reason I panic most of the time when I think of things is that I tend to think of things in fast forward. I jump from Point A to Point Z, and I panic because I feel like it’s such a huge jump, and there will be so many drastic changes and I don’t know if I can deal with all of it and if it’s even the right choice. ((See how I wrote this sentence? That’s me on panic mode.)) And then I try to imagine what would happen if I didn’t make the choice and I see myself regretting everything that hasn’t happened yet. When I get into that panic mode, the easiest option that comes to my mind is to run away. Do something else. Distract myself. Pray that the thing that’s bothering me will go away without me doing anything about it. I was afraid of taking action because I don’t know if I can handle getting the thing I set out for, but I was also afraid of not taking action because I didn’t want to regret the things I didn’t do.
No wonder I go on panic mode, right? But I’m forgetting something:
