Tag: brutally honest moment

A nationwide heartbreak

Tina 1 Comment

To say that last week was stressful is an understatement.

In a way, it almost felt like last week didn’t exist, with all the stress and devastation I saw on TV and online. But to bury it all and pretend that it didn’t happen feels like some kind of injustice — the kind that I promised wouldn’t happen to me because grace is not about forgetting, but knowing you can start anew.

In the midst of keeping myself up to date, seeing photos, checking which news articles to believe and fixing our own relief efforts in our book club, I came to this conclusion to what this feeling was, the one that bugged me and drove me to tears every now and then when I read news, see photos and hear stories.

Source
Source

This thing that’s stirring our hearts? This isn’t just a simple sadness over what happened to our country. It’s not just sympathy.

It’s heartbreak.

I don’t think anyone’s a stranger to heartbreak. We’ve all had our hearts broken at some point — by a friend, a family member or someone you love. We’ve all had that, and while every heartbreak is different, it doesn’t make it less painful.

What we had last week, and what we’re still having now, is a nationwide heartbreak.

I wrote this last week, during one of those nights when I was feeling a little too much and thinking a little too much (but in a good way):

We are like lovers reeling from a fresh heartbreak, reacting in different ways we know how: lash out, rant, mope, judge. We wonder how people can be so happy and seem so apathetic by posting anything unrelated to the typhoon, while a third of our country suffers. We talk about sensitivity and inefficiency, we curse the people who continue to steal and lie in this tragedy, and make it hard for the people who need the relief to get what they need.

But some of us move, organize things, reach out, help. We move because not moving makes us feel the heartbreak even more, and moving makes it easier for us to breathe, somehow.

We have our own ways to cope because a heartbreak comes unexpectedly, no matter how ready we are, no matter how strong we think we are. Our hearts break, and we do what we can do to heal.

We move, and we wait for healing to come.

And it will come. We just have to wait a little bit.

If healing was fast and easy, then how would we learn the things we ought to learn in the face of heartbreak? If healing comes in a flash, how would we learn compassion, kindness, generosity, strength? Would we be able to appreciate the tireless efforts everyone is doing to heal from the heartbreak? If things become okay in a snap, would we even appreciate what kind of people we become after this heartbreak?

It may seem so far away, but I believe we’re slowly, slowly starting to recover. It’s going to take a while. A long while, probably. And this road won’t be smooth — definitely bumpy, and will probably mean more work for us. Possibly with tinier heartbreaks; small waves of grief that will make us cry again, and punch us in the gut.

But it will not steal our hope.

It will not silence our love.

The thing about heartbreak, I learned, is not really about waiting for things to stop hurting before you do something. A broken heart can and will heal with time, but for time to actually do its job, you need to move. Movement will heal you, free you. In movement, you will learn, and in movement you will be wiser. In movement, you will find people who will move with you.

And you will heal.

swirlOur nation’s heart is broken. But if there’s another thing I learned about heart break (and I quote ((From Corpse in the Mirror by A.S. Santos)) ): Even when hearts are broken, they still keep beating.

Our hearts are broken, but it’s beating. Loud and strong.

P.S. – Not too late to make a difference! Keep on helping, keep on praying!

New Beginnings

Tina Leave a comment

Last week at my SFC household, our topic came from Matthew 6:24-27. Upon reading, I realized that this was one of those Gospels that hit us a lot back when I was in YFC. In a funny way, I didn’t like this back then, even if I kept on going back to it, because it sounded so hard. Deny yourself, take up your cross and follow me. For someone who’s still trying to find her footing in a bigger world back in college, this was a scary thing. Still, I knew it was important, so I tried.

So our household head asked us: what are the things you denied yourself so you can follow God?

Of course I had an instant answer, but I stopped myself from speaking first because I wanted to chew on the question a little, and perhaps try to find another answer that doesn’t lead to that automatic answer. It was a good example, but I personally thought it was already old, passe, and wasn’t I supposed to be done with that already? So when it was my turn, I picked my answers carefully…and still ended up talking about that. Oh well. Anyway, here’s what I shared:

I denied myself of being self-sufficient. On my recent trip to Singapore, there was a time when I wondered if it was worth it. I wondered, because as I was planning my itinerary, I felt like I was hassling my friends there. For one thing, I was already crashing with them, and now they were rearranging their schedules for me. I tried to shake it off, and instead, focused on accepting this grace from them — because it is grace — but then somewhere in the middle of the trip, I felt it again. How maybe I’m such a burden to them, especially since I forgot to have my money changed at the airport. How they don’t have to do this, how I should be able to manage alone, how I should try not to be a hassle to them especially since I’m just a guest. I shouldn’t disrupt their lives and all that.

What destructive thoughts, right? I think I’ve been so used to taking care of myself and trying not to be a hassle to anyone that I forgot that people just want to do things for you because they want to. Not because you forced them to, or you asked them to, but because they love you and care for you. I’m that person who will go and do things for my friends and not ask for anything in return because they’re important to me, but when I’m at the receiving end of it, sometimes it’s hard to just accept it.

So I forced myself to stop putting myself down, and instead, just humbled myself and accepted this grace, no questions. There really is something humbling about allowing yourself to stop thinking of yourself as a hassle, and instead, leaning in to the people who care for you and accepting the grace and hospitality they can give. Because surprise surprise, we need just as much grace as the next person. We can’t give what we don’t have.

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Perfect Love (A repost)

Tina 1 Comment

Yes, I’m still on a break. But I’m here again, because I came across some thoughts in the past days that made me dig through my old blog, knowing wrote something about it. I found it, and I thought I’d repost it here, because I think it’s relevant, and God knows how much we/I need a reminder of this sometimes. So this isn’t really a real post, except maybe it also is, but whatever, right? :P

Refine Me, January 7, 2009

One of my favorite verses about love is on today’s first reading:

There is no fear in love. Perfect love drives out fear, for fear has to do with punishment; those who fear do not know perfect love. (1 John 4:18)

Sometimes, when I think of love (especially the romantic one) objectively (which is how I think of it, more often than not, heh), it’s very easy to see it all in a straight line — I’d do this, I’d do that, I won’t do that he did and I will never do what she it. But when I hear and read stories from other people about love, I realize yet again that it’s not always black and white. If anything, it’s full of gray areas. Crossroads. Both roads seem the right thing to do, but which is really the most loving thing?

You know how people often wonder how you’d know if you love another person? Well, I think that verse up there is really the answer. I remember back in college, when we would have these kinds of discussion, we’d often bring up what St. Paul said to the Corinthians:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)

We used to say that when you can replace all instances of “love” there with your name (unless of course, your name is Love), that’s, well, love. But that verse only describes what love is and love makes us do, which I know once a person loves someone, they’re really willing to do all these, no matter how difficult it is. But how about when you’re not sure if you love the person already?

I think I may be going in circles there but hear me out a bit. How would you know if it is love? Maybe when you don’t feel any fear, just as what the verse states. Maybe it’s when you think of the future with that person and although it’s very uncertain, you feel secure, knowing that you’ll have someone. When you think about jumping and making a risk, you feel afraid but you still do it anyway, knowing everything will be all right in the end. Maybe it’s when you’re secure with yourself and in the person, knowing that no matter what happens, no matter how you look, no matter how chaotic everything else around is, even if the world is ending, the person will still be there, loving you.

It’s a tall order. And more often than not, people fail. But that’s why we just have to keep on trying, right?

Bringing it closer to home and in a non-romantic way, perfect love is there when:

  • a mother calls to console their scared daughter about her upcoming thesis defense, and tell her that it will be okay no matter what the outcome is.
  • a father tells his tired and worn out sophomore teen that they will finish the project on time, even if he is very tired himself.
  • a brother takes the time to cook for his sick sister and make her drink her medicines even if she feels like she’s getting worse.
  • a brother goes out of his way to meet his sister at a mall and bring her laptop to the service center to have the adapter fixed, and then drop his sister off to the dorm on commute just to make sure she gets back safe.
  • friends listen to another friend who finally takes a step away from a destructive habit and promises no judgment.

Perfect love drives out fear. And God is love. Ergo, God drives out fear. :) Comforting, isn’t it?

Wherever you are, whatever you are going through right now, may you find peace in God’s love.

* * *

Image from we heart it
Image from we heart it

I had to laugh at how that post up there seemed so naive, but also a little wise in some ways. I have no comment over what I wrote there about romantic love because I still don’t have any answers to what I said there four years later. There’s so much I didn’t know there. And there’s still so much I don’t know now.

But you know what? That’s okay.

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