brutally honest moment – Page 5

To learn from the sky

July 18, 2013July 18, 2013 Tina Leave a comment

Sara Bareilles released a new album called The Blessed Unrest the other day and I’ve been listening to her song Chasing the SunÂ on repeat:

[youtube WFFberbflbU]

I love the entire song, most especially the chorus:

You said, remember that life is
Not meant to be wasted
We can always be chasing the sun!
So fill up your lungs and just run
But always be chasing the sun!

It just sounds so hopeful, don’t you think?

* * *

I’m going to take a little blogging break.

When 2013 started, I had this plan of blogging (at least) once a week, so when the year ends, I’d have around 52 posts for this blog. Plus I figured it’s some kind of commitment to find something interesting to blog every week, and it’s not as hard as blogging everyday for an entire month (believe me, I tried that).

But…things haven’t been exactly smooth sailing these past few days. I think it’s obvious from my previous posts? If you’d allow me to be brutally honest, I’m not really okay right now. I would normally write my heart out here while I sort out everything (as I have done in the past weeks), but this time, I don’t really feel like doing it. There are too many things that I need to come to terms with, and frankly, I just don’t feel like writing about them here. It doesn’t feel right just yet. Maybe sometime later, I guess. I don’t know. But definitely not now. I figure I should keep them to myself for the time being.

Hence this break. I might post a little bit every now and then. Something random or whatever. Heh, it’s not like I have a ton of readers, anyway, but to the five or six (or so. hehe) of you who read this, then please bear with me a little bit. :)

I’m just going to go and chase the sun for a little bit while I figure some things out.

But don’t worry, I’ll be back.

And I’ll be okay, promise. :)

Oh and I’ll still be here, anyway. And here. And if you know me in real life, ((Let’s hang out or something. I’d love to catch up.)) you know how to reach me.

* * *

Why don’t you tell me a story, instead?

I’ve been toying with this idea for a while now, about inviting friends as guests to my blog so they can share their story. I never really had the time to work on it until now, since I’m going on this break. So instead of reading about…well, me, you’ll be reading about the stories of other people. I’ve always believed that we all have stories to tell, and so I’m opening my blog to people who want to share their story. One of my most favorite artists sang it well:

Thereâ€™s life to be lived, and stories to tell, lessons to learn, we donâ€™t know yet.
Nothing to lack looking back knowing that we have lived it well with stories to tell.

Tell me a story. Any story. Family, friends, loved ones, pets. Funny, happy, sad, tragic. Tell me something you’ve been wanting to talk about, or something that you feel that should be told. It doesn’t have to be inspiring or religious or life-changing — just tell your story. Let’s start from there.

Interested? Leave a comment on this post, or drop me a line and let’s talk. :)

Your goodness shall follow me

July 10, 2013July 10, 2013 Tina 3 Comments

01.

I talk about being brave, but sometimes I think I really don’t know what it entails until it stares at me right in the face. I haven’t watched the movie We Bought a Zoo (although I probably should), but I remember this one quote from the movie that always comes up when I search for “bravery” and “courage” in Google: ((Sidenote (or, fine, footnote): I wish it was that easy, just enter the thing you want or need and Google and you get results. I wish it was that easy.))

You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it.

Twenty seconds, huh?

How about five?

02.

There was that one mass, where I fell to my knees after receiving communion and started tearing up. Okay, that isn’t really new, because sometimes I find myself crying a lot while at church, which often feel like the safest place for my tears. I knelt down and prayed, and my heart cried out. I don’t know what to do, Lord. I don’t know if I should go forward or forget about it. I’m scared, I’m scared. I just don’t know. Please tell me what to do.

Those were my prayers, but I realize later that underneath all those prayers is this one more urgent, pressing prayer: Please tell me what’s going to happen if I do this. Please, please.

And then, the answer: I will not tell you what’s going to happen. Remember that even your mistakes are in My plan. Will you trust Me?

By the time I went out of the church, I know what I was going to do. Okay, I didn’t know how I will do it, but I know what I think I should do.

God, I’m scared.

03.

I came across this post as soon as she posted it, but I didn’t want to read it the moment I read the first few paragraphs. Not now, not yet.

Now I read it and read it and read it, not because it contains the answer I need but because it’s one of the few things that I can hold onto now, as I prepare:

You must look that answer in the eyes and listen to it, and let it ache, and let it roam around, and let it lead you. Because the truth will always lead you somewhere.

04.

“You know how when you eat a sundae and have tequila after, you expect LBM…but not too soon?” My friend made me laugh at that statement, but there is truth in what he said.

When you’ve come to the point of no return and then you are asked to wait again, it’s frustrating. Let me say that again: it’s frustrating. It’s even more frustrating when some things you sort of expected to happen later happen too soon, before you’re completely ready for it. What results is you, a complete mess, breaking down at random times in the day while you try to hold yourself together, try to not take offense, try to not over think things, try not to jump to conclusions.

It’s not like you can turn back, anyway. Or you’d want to turn back.

“The only thing you can do now is be strong, and wait.”

05.

This must be what free-falling feels like. How long till you get to the end?

There’s so much I don’t know

July 1, 2013July 2, 2013 Tina 2 Comments

July. Why does this month make me feel a little panicky? Is it because we’re at the second half of the year? Is it because I am caught between the scared thoughts like Do I still have time to do the things I said I’d do this year and Where is my life heading and is it even going somewhere, with hundreds of tiny thoughts in between? Is it because I’m expecting something this month, something big to happen?

Maybe. But frankly, I just don’t know.

Deep breaths. Calm down. Relax.

Last weekend, I was with some friends and during a discussion in the car on the way home, my friend told me, “Calm down.” I wasn’t exactly un-calm then, but I guess I was talking a little too excitedly, and when I am excited, I talk even more so than usual. Louder than usual. Faster than usual.

Then I remembered this line I read from a blog post written by a favorite blogger describing another one of my favorite bloggers: She takes my breath away, and when she speaks my heart slows down. It’s true, because I look forward to reading her posts, and her words slow me down, too. I can almost imagine what her voice must sound like in person: a soft, gentle voice, much like the older sisters in my church community whose wisdom and patience and words also slow me down.

I wonder if something similar to this will be ever used to describe…well, me.

I’m not exactly demure (believe me, I tried). I am pretty loud when I’m with people, sometimes I feel like I can never be that calming voice, the one that slows people down, because I feel like I’m too loud. Too talkative. Too fast.

Then I wonder if this entire thing reflects how I treat things. Does this mean that in the other aspects in my life, I’m also too loud and I go too fast, too?

If I am to be more specific (and honest): will I ever be that person to someone, the one who takes his breath away, and the one who slows his heart down, too?

That would be nice.