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Gratitude, Again

April 30, 2013April 30, 2013 Tina Leave a comment

Let me take this moment to breathe a sigh of relief and say: Thank God April is almost over. Whew.

It’s not that April was a completely horrible month. It was more of April kicking me in places that I didn’t know even really existed. I wasn’t particularly sad, but it felt like there were too many things this month that had been pulling me down. It was harder to be happy and stay happy because I was worrying about a million and one things, I was busy with a thousand and probably paranoid about a hundred things. Almost everything is getting into my nerves. I was hardly calm, and even when I find a sense of calm sometimes, something happens (or I do something stupid) that knocks me off balance again and I go back. Lather, rinse, repeat.

But April is also good, in a lot of ways. I surfed. It was our book club’s anniversary month, so we had a ton of activities here and there — book covering for hours and hours, my first outreach event, our first (real) pool party, and a road trip across the city to watch a movie that is showing everywhere but we wanted to watch it there just because. There were phone conversations, assurances and things to remind me of who I am, of what I am capable of, and people who are willing to stay up to 2 in the morning talking to me because I feel unsettled. There were lots of laughter. And hope. Lots of hope.

So while April is busy kicking my butt, it’s also busy trying to teach me a lesson. Or several lessons. Most of them are too lengthy to blog about — patience (as always), balance, trust, friendships and relationships, graciousness. And just recently: gratitude.

Remember how at the end of March, I was so grateful for all the things that I was given during my favorite month? How all I can say wasÂ thank you, and my heart was bursting with gratitude because it was such a beautiful month? I wanted so much to get into that state again in the midst of April, to be grateful for the good things again because it’s easy to be thankful then. It’s easy to go back to those happy moments and say thank you. But when things aren’t going my way? I can’t even say thank you at all.

However, I have learned that gratitude isn’t exclusively for the good things.Â Gratitude applies to good and bad things. It takes a lot of maturity and courage to give thanks for the bad just as you say “thank you” for the good. It’s all about perspective, they say, and that’s true. I just forget it too easily.

April is ending, whew. I am happy it is, and thankful for all the lessons it has taught me. I’m pretty sure it’s far from over, but thank you anyway, April. I won’t miss you, but thank you. For May…

…I pray for the strength and courage to be truly thankful, even when everything feels like they’re falling apart ((Often, they’re not. I just feel like it does, sometimes.))

…I pray for grace and peace for the moments when I worry, cry and complain, so I can just be grateful for being where I am.

…I pray for the trust that even if things aren’t going my way, I will remember that I am blessed and say thank you.

We’ll give thanks to You
With gratitude
For lessons learned in how to trust in You
That we are blessed beyond what we could ever dream
In abundance or in need. ((Gratitude, Nichole Nordeman))

Even the Winter

October 5, 2012October 5, 2012 Tina 6 Comments

Also known as: On holding patterns
Title credit: Audrey Assad’s “Even the Winter”

What if we find ourselves beneath the snow?
Our warmest words all frozen in our throats
and all we feel is left out in the cold,
You and I?

I was listening to a podcast from a friend a few months ago, and there was a part there where they discussed holding patterns. I’ve heard of holding patterns back in college and I thought it was really just a term coined for some kind of spiritual down time or struggle. I was surprised to know that it was an actual technical term related to aviation. From Wikipedia:

The primary use of a holding pattern is delaying aircraft that have arrived at their destination but cannot land yet because of traffic congestion, poor weather, or runway unavailability (for instance, during snow removal). Several aircraft may fly the same holding pattern at the same time, separated vertically by 1,000 feet or more.

So it turns out, a holding pattern is what the planes follow when we are at your destination, but can’t land just yet because there’s something down there. So your plane goes around. And around. And around. And you’re just very, very antsy and you want to yell at the pilot to just land the freaking plane so you can disembark and go home and rest. Or land so you can go to your next flight.

Just land it, darn it.

But it’s not like we can do anything about it, right?

The other Holding Pattern

Do you remember the very first week of September?

September 14, 2012March 1, 2013 Tina 4 Comments

Also known as: The rollercoaster first week of September

September came and well, it kind of knocked me silly.

I was very glad when September came around because August was crazy busy. For one thing, I hardly had any sleep because I kept on changing shifts, so going back to a semi-normal shift was a very welcome thing. It wasn’t a bad month, per se, except that it had a lot of…changes that I had to deal with for the first time, coming from the previous month. I think August was the month where I had the most entry drafts here but most of them didn’t get past and posted…because…well, I just don’t feel like it should be posted here.

I really don’t want to post something too personal here, despite this being called a personal blog, because…well, I know people I know in real life read this. ((*waves* Hi guys!)) I try to filter the posts here based on what I think too personal or not, especially since I don’t really want to cause friction or anything. Or you know make some things awkward because I wrote something here about something in real life for public consumption. ((A friendly reminder: if you read my blog and we know each other in real life, don’t tell me you read my blog. Or when I tell you something that I’ve written here, pretend you haven’t read it. You know, act surprised. :P))

Which, now, mentioning it, makes me feel awkward. Hrm.

But I digress. When September came, I breathed a sigh of relief because it was finally, finally a new month. I liked new months because it means another beginning. I even started September well — I took the time off to be with myself, pampered myself and you know, just allowed myself to be enjoy my own company. Then the first week came and suddenly, I was all, Wait a minute.

I thought of narrating the events of my first week of September, but then I realized it might break my personal privacy thing. So instead, I’ll just write about the things I learned, because they’re more important than the events itself. So, the first week of September 2012 taught me the following: