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Tonight, I think of Hope

September 8, 2013September 8, 2013 Tina Leave a comment

In my first ever attempt at NaNoWriMo in 2004, I named my main character Hope. There’s no real reason why, except I thought it sounded good, but as I started getting to know her as a character, I started to feel that she really lived her name, despite the things I made her go through.

Tonight, I think about Hope.

I meant to post this last Thursday, but life got in the way. Now as I finish typing this entry sleepily, I think of all the things that happened since Thursday up to now, and I think about hope.

I think about hope. Not my character, but the actual feeling that I named her after. I’ve been thinking about hope for a while now, after I read an email from a lovely friend. I look at hope and ponder it, put it up against the light, chew on it and try to see how it fits in my life now, and how much of it fits now. I feel it, but I’m also somewhat wary about it…but a bigger part of me now is thinking that maybe…hope isn’t such a bad thing. I think about hope, and how it seems like it’s such a lovely thing now, with how it can lift you up even if it can shatter you to pieces in some ways. I think about hope, and how having it and holding onto it can be cruel sometimes, but not having it is just as bad — or perhaps even worse.

Tonight, I think about hope. And tonight, I find myself thankful for the things and people that remind me that there’s so much to be hopeful for in this world. I think about hope, and realize that I am blessed to have never run out of it, even in the darkest times.

I see hope in my family, and upcoming plans, and spending Christmas together. I see hope in my co-workers, and how we all try to pull together and support each other in the midst of challenging times. I see hope in my mentor, who showed passion in the things she does. I see hope in my friends in the community, with how they strive to give their all for God. I see hope in my friends, with the different adventures and food trips, and seemingly random conversations that cheer me up, help me see clearly, and keep the blinders off.

I see hope in my co-tutors, with their love for the kids and for the service, and how being with them inspires me to be a better tutor, too. I see hope in my tutee, who is learning and learning, and how exciting it is to see him improve and learn.

I see hope in words, and in writing, in friends reaching their goals and going after their dreams. I see hope in working harder to make some ofÂ my longtime dreams come true, too.

I see hope in big and small plans — for myself and for my friends. In the little excitements, and the big ones, and in the possibilities that are with those plans.

I see hope in the sunshine, in the heat. I see hope in the rains, and in the laughter in the middle of the thunderstorm.

I see hope in friendships forming, friendships that remained, and friendships mending – it takes time, but I also see hope in time and how it passes. I see hope in the quiet, in how God stills my heart, and how He keeps on speaking to me in the silence.

Tonight, I think about hope. And tomorrow, I will still think of hope, and I will let it sit in my heart, a little bit at a time. I will think of hope, and I will hope, because hope keeps me going, and it will bring me places.

I see hope, and I see courage in hoping, and allowing hope to thrive.

Hope is not the absence of tragedy, my friend. It is the conviction that tragedy can be endured. Hope is the spark in you that is not subdued in the face of the vast and callous indifference of the universe. Hope is that which is not shattered by hardship. Hope is the urge to fight what is wrong even when you know it will destroy you. Hope is the decision to love and need someone knowing that they will one day die. For me to promise that there are no obstacles would be the cruelest lie I could possibly tell. That lie is not hope. Hope is the will which needs no lies. (Travis Beacham)

Lots of thanks to Isa for inspiring this post, and for sharing that last quote. :) Belated happy birthday, dearest! :)

Your goodness shall follow me

July 10, 2013July 10, 2013 Tina 3 Comments

01.

I talk about being brave, but sometimes I think I really don’t know what it entails until it stares at me right in the face. I haven’t watched the movie We Bought a Zoo (although I probably should), but I remember this one quote from the movie that always comes up when I search for “bravery” and “courage” in Google: ((Sidenote (or, fine, footnote): I wish it was that easy, just enter the thing you want or need and Google and you get results. I wish it was that easy.))

You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it.

Twenty seconds, huh?

How about five?

02.

There was that one mass, where I fell to my knees after receiving communion and started tearing up. Okay, that isn’t really new, because sometimes I find myself crying a lot while at church, which often feel like the safest place for my tears. I knelt down and prayed, and my heart cried out. I don’t know what to do, Lord. I don’t know if I should go forward or forget about it. I’m scared, I’m scared. I just don’t know. Please tell me what to do.

Those were my prayers, but I realize later that underneath all those prayers is this one more urgent, pressing prayer: Please tell me what’s going to happen if I do this. Please, please.

And then, the answer: I will not tell you what’s going to happen. Remember that even your mistakes are in My plan. Will you trust Me?

By the time I went out of the church, I know what I was going to do. Okay, I didn’t know how I will do it, but I know what I think I should do.

God, I’m scared.

03.

I came across this post as soon as she posted it, but I didn’t want to read it the moment I read the first few paragraphs. Not now, not yet.

Now I read it and read it and read it, not because it contains the answer I need but because it’s one of the few things that I can hold onto now, as I prepare:

You must look that answer in the eyes and listen to it, and let it ache, and let it roam around, and let it lead you. Because the truth will always lead you somewhere.

04.

“You know how when you eat a sundae and have tequila after, you expect LBM…but not too soon?” My friend made me laugh at that statement, but there is truth in what he said.

When you’ve come to the point of no return and then you are asked to wait again, it’s frustrating. Let me say that again: it’s frustrating. It’s even more frustrating when some things you sort of expected to happen later happen too soon, before you’re completely ready for it. What results is you, a complete mess, breaking down at random times in the day while you try to hold yourself together, try to not take offense, try to not over think things, try not to jump to conclusions.

It’s not like you can turn back, anyway. Or you’d want to turn back.

“The only thing you can do now is be strong, and wait.”

05.

This must be what free-falling feels like. How long till you get to the end?

Gratitude, Again

April 30, 2013April 30, 2013 Tina Leave a comment

Let me take this moment to breathe a sigh of relief and say: Thank God April is almost over. Whew.

It’s not that April was a completely horrible month. It was more of April kicking me in places that I didn’t know even really existed. I wasn’t particularly sad, but it felt like there were too many things this month that had been pulling me down. It was harder to be happy and stay happy because I was worrying about a million and one things, I was busy with a thousand and probably paranoid about a hundred things. Almost everything is getting into my nerves. I was hardly calm, and even when I find a sense of calm sometimes, something happens (or I do something stupid) that knocks me off balance again and I go back. Lather, rinse, repeat.

But April is also good, in a lot of ways. I surfed. It was our book club’s anniversary month, so we had a ton of activities here and there — book covering for hours and hours, my first outreach event, our first (real) pool party, and a road trip across the city to watch a movie that is showing everywhere but we wanted to watch it there just because. There were phone conversations, assurances and things to remind me of who I am, of what I am capable of, and people who are willing to stay up to 2 in the morning talking to me because I feel unsettled. There were lots of laughter. And hope. Lots of hope.

So while April is busy kicking my butt, it’s also busy trying to teach me a lesson. Or several lessons. Most of them are too lengthy to blog about — patience (as always), balance, trust, friendships and relationships, graciousness. And just recently: gratitude.

Remember how at the end of March, I was so grateful for all the things that I was given during my favorite month? How all I can say wasÂ thank you, and my heart was bursting with gratitude because it was such a beautiful month? I wanted so much to get into that state again in the midst of April, to be grateful for the good things again because it’s easy to be thankful then. It’s easy to go back to those happy moments and say thank you. But when things aren’t going my way? I can’t even say thank you at all.

However, I have learned that gratitude isn’t exclusively for the good things.Â Gratitude applies to good and bad things. It takes a lot of maturity and courage to give thanks for the bad just as you say “thank you” for the good. It’s all about perspective, they say, and that’s true. I just forget it too easily.

April is ending, whew. I am happy it is, and thankful for all the lessons it has taught me. I’m pretty sure it’s far from over, but thank you anyway, April. I won’t miss you, but thank you. For May…

…I pray for the strength and courage to be truly thankful, even when everything feels like they’re falling apart ((Often, they’re not. I just feel like it does, sometimes.))

…I pray for grace and peace for the moments when I worry, cry and complain, so I can just be grateful for being where I am.

…I pray for the trust that even if things aren’t going my way, I will remember that I am blessed and say thank you.

We’ll give thanks to You
With gratitude
For lessons learned in how to trust in You
That we are blessed beyond what we could ever dream
In abundance or in need. ((Gratitude, Nichole Nordeman))