Filled

On the second night of the 20th SFC International Conference, I had an amazing epiphany that kind of blew me away:

I’m not empty.

One of the talks on the second night of the conference was about Emptiness, and truth be told, I was kind of expecting to be a blubbering mess by then. Or maybe not a blubbering mess, exactly, but I expected that I would shed some tears over the things that will happen on the second night, just like how I was sort of crying during the worship and session on the first night. I used to think the sign of tears is when God talks to me during conferences, so I got myself ready for the second night.

But instead of a cry-fest, I got that. I listened to the talk, took notes and then marveled as that realization dawned on me.

I’m not empty.

Not anymore.

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One brave thing at a time

They say the third week of January is usually the week in the New Year where people feel most depressed. I can’t remember where I read it, but they say that it’s because the holidays are officially over and we all settle into our little routines again and we realize that even with all the positivity surrounding the turn of the year, the rah-rah’s and the “This year will be our year!” thing…everything is still pretty much the same. I don’t know if it’s just psychological or what, but I am deep in that third-week-of-January blues, thank you very much.

I’m trying to figure out what’s up with this year. I mean, a new year comes every 365/366 days, I know, so I should be used to these ups and downs at the start of the year, but somehow it feels that there’s more things at stake this year. It feels like this personal crisis is bigger than the usual. Is it because I am starting to feel older? Is it because of all this blogging and accountability? Is it because I don’t exactly have anything to look forward to this year? I was trying to figure out if they’re temporary and they will pass once I get into the groove of the new year again, but another part — a bigger part — is telling me not to ignore these things and try to deal with them for a change. I had a huge suspicion that it’s the latter, and I really need to get my act together because if I don’t…well, I don’t know what’s going to happen.

I hit crisis mode again last Monday, and it had the most perfect timing because I was on a sick leave and I had more time to think. I tried to distract myself, but I ended up reading articles that just jolted me and made me panic even more. What sucked then was stress was a trigger to my asthma, so when I start stressing out over life in general, I get an asthma attack and then I stress over that. It’s a vicious cycle.

I won’t go into detail why I went to crisis mode because they’re kind of personal. But I didn’t really want to waste that crisis mode because I realized that there’s always something to learn when I get to those moments. Of course they involve a lot of crying and writing and despair…and sometimes I don’t feel like I can bounce back. But I always do, and it’s really by God’s grace that I find myself back on my feet again.

See, here’s the thing. It’s no secret that I over think. I realized that the reason I panic most of the time when I think of things is that I tend to think of things in fast forward. I jump from Point A to Point Z, and I panic because I feel like it’s such a huge jump, and there will be so many drastic changes and I don’t know if I can deal with all of it and if it’s even the right choice. ((See how I wrote this sentence? That’s me on panic mode.)) And then I try to imagine what would happen if I didn’t make the choice and I see myself regretting everything that hasn’t happened yet. When I get into that panic mode, the easiest option that comes to my mind is to run away. Do something else. Distract myself. Pray that the thing that’s bothering me will go away without me doing anything about it. I was afraid of taking action because I don’t know if I can handle getting the thing I set out for, but I was also afraid of not taking action because I didn’t want to regret the things I didn’t do.

No wonder I go on panic mode, right? But I’m forgetting something:

It’s not over.

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Brave Heart

Also known as: On the heart being stronger and braver than we expect

I was reading some of my recent entries and I had to chuckle at how much I was a mess when I wrote them. I don’t think it’s really obvious except if you knew me personally and you knew the reasons why I wrote those entries back then. It’s just funny how different things are now, and it’s not even that long after. But I guess that’s life.

So I started praying the rosary again. I prayed the rosary everyday last Lent, and then I stopped because Lent was over, but I pray it every now and then, especially when I’m having a hard time staying still. Or when I’m panicking. Especially when I’m panicking. And then some things happened in the past weeks that made me start praying the rosary again every night, and it’s actually nice to take some time off and do that. My concentration is often shot, but the effort is there, and I think that counts. :)

I was praying the rosary last week before I slept, and one of the Luminous Mystery reflections talked about spiritual courage. I offered the mystery for several intentions and I started thinking about what the reflection said about spiritual courage. Then I found myself saying: Lord, teach me how to love and how to be brave.

And then I got the good shivers.

Image from we heart it

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